It's A Process
by TGHall
Summary: Set after the season 5 final, ignoring everything after that. Emison. ANGST (not kidding this is going to hurt). It's a process and sometimes it can't be fixed. Maybe too much has happened. How much can someone change in three years? MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Don't freak out, this idea thanks to Marlene King wouldn't go away. Like she said Emison reconciliation will be a process, (whether that happens on the show or not is on her) this is ANGSTY and SMUTTY and filled with BAD LANGUAGE. Please take that into account.**

 **This is going up before Part TWO of Ali's Second Chance because it diverts from Canon from Season 5 Final, and since Canon is going in a *cough cough* stupid direction I have elected to fix this. Ali's Second Chance will be out soon so don't panic.**

 **Thanks to my trustee Co-Writer Emisonxx (all praise should be directed to her, I am for all your criticism needs thank you).**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own Pretty Little Liars.**

 **As always enjoy. :)**

"You're lying," Alison laughed in disbelief folding several more donated blankets. If there was one thing Alison DiLaurentis never wanted to see again after her stint in prison, besides horrible inmates, it was any more laundry. But here she was folding blankets and clothes voluntarily at the church.

Her new therapist had suggested volunteering while she recouped from her ordeal. The old Alison would have scoffed at the woman's audacity, sashayed out of the office and gone to four strip malls to wipe away even the very notion of helping the less fortunate. But that was the old Alison and this Alison was trying to turn over a new leaf. No matter how heavy that leaf may be the blonde was determined to mend her life.

So here she was being entertained while she folded clothes next to the lead volunteer Carlos. He was cute, she admitted to herself, in a boyish charming kind of way and his deep brown eyes caught her attention as soon as she saw him. But, a part of her could also admit it was because they were so similar to Emily's. Not as bright but they still had that warm and trusting look Emily used to have, before everything ruined them.

The girls' return from the dollhouse had led to a state wide man hunt for the maniac who held them captive for three weeks. There were serious psychological scars for each girl in question as they tried to assimilate back into society. Mona especially was almost catatonic when they found them. Spencer had bounced back since and Alison had seen her every now and then about town. The brunette would wave but that was as far as their interaction went, and Ali didn't mind it much. She and the brainiac had never gotten along too well, but she holds a soft spot for their once innocent rivalry. Hanna and Aria would both head in the other direction whenever they spotted Alison and she was in no mood to push either of them. It hurt that they couldn't even face her. And Emily, she had only seen once, at the scene of the crime - and the relief in Emily's eyes was what Alison clung to before the brunette had been shuffled into an ambulance outside the dollhouse. She hadn't sought Alison out once since and the blonde was frightened to confront her.

"I am not," Carlos placed a hand over his heart clearing his throat as he sat up straighter, his boyish grin in full effect. "I solemnly swear I am telling the truth."

Alison just rolled her eyes and giggled throwing a blanket at him, he caught it easily and swirled it back into his arms cocking his head and raising his eyebrows as though waiting for applause.

"Um hi," a tentative voice called from the entrance to the church's rec room.

Carlos turned toward the newcomer, folding the blanket in his arms. Alison's muscles tensed up as she stopped folding, that voice placing such a frightening hold over her.

"Hello," the charming boy greeted warmly. "Can I help you with anything?"

Alison tried to turn back to her folding as the newcomer came closer, the soft steps echoing in the near empty room.

"I think so," Alison's head snapped up, unable to resist any longer. She locked her blue eyes with soft brown eyes - Emily's brown eyes. The moment caught both of them off guard, and it's intensity settled uneasily in Alison's chest. "I-i-is this where I donate stuff?"

Carlos nodded, happily unaware of the intense stare off the two girls were involved in. The blonde's stomach churned with the seemingly mysterious vibes radiating from Emily. She couldn't tell if the brunette was happy, angry, or frightened.

"Sure is, we've been collecting goodies all day, right Ali?" Carlos smiled at the blonde and Alison watched as Emily's shocked gaze changed into a subtle glare that settled on the overly enthusiastic boy. Her brown eyes narrowed viciously, and Alison had never seen such cruelty grace Emily's face.

Alison nodded and tried to smile but it didn't reach her eyes. Carlos nodded at Emily, unaware of Ali's unease. The blonde moved closer to Emily even as the brunette suddenly looked ready to bolt. She held out a hand for the trash bag in Emily's grasp and finally the brunette handed it over stiffly.

Alison peeked inside as she turned to add it to the pile. The trash bag held only one item - Mrs Fields favourite picnic blanket. Alison turned back to Emily, curiosity sparkling in her baby blue eyes.

"My mum wanted me to drop it off," Emily unnecessarily supplied as she fidgeted slightly.

Carlos nodded agreeably and they all awkwardly stood there for a long moment.

"Carlos," Alison called gently. "Could you add this to the pile that need to be washed, please?"

Carlos nodded taking the bag and smiling at Emily as he passed her and left the room.

"He seems nice," Emily said casually though Alison could see the brunette flinching.

"He is," Alison agreed crossing her arms. "What are you doing here, Emily?"

"I told you my mom wanted me to drop off some donations-"

"Pam Fields wanted you to give the less fortunate her $150 picnic blanket?" Alison challenged, glaring. Why was the brunette lying to her? "Somehow I doubt it."

Emily's eyes widened.

"$150?" the brunette choked and it would have been comical if Alison weren't so mad. "That thing cost $150."

"I'll get it back," she waved away Emily's concern. "Just tell me what you're doing here, Emily."

"I was in the neighbourhood," Emily started.

"Liar," Alison snapped. "I can always tell when you're lying."

"Takes one to know one I guess," Emily shot back, her defenses immediately flared up.

"I don't want to fight, Emily," Alison sighed as she tried to take a deep breath. "If thats what you came here for please leave."

"I want to know what you're doing?" Emily admitted.

Alison titled her head in confusion. Obviously she wasn't shopping or something - what the hell did the brunette think she was doing.

"What are you doing here, Alison? Why are you doing this?" Emily accused her underlying tone distrusting and jaded.

Alison scoffed shaking her head.

"If I'm mad I haven't changed at all, if I'm nice I'm obviously up to something right?" Alison sighed angrily. "What do you want from me Emily?"

Emily shifted on her feet uneasily. This of course isn't how either of them had envisioned their first encounter after everything, but the history between them naturally led to this horrible bickering.

"Just tell me what to do please, I'm so tired of fighting and I especially don't want to fight with you," Alison pleaded.

Emily just stared at her, stewing in her own anger.

"Do you want me to leave?" Alison asked desperately. "Because I would if I could-"

"So you're gonna run again, big shocker there," Emily snapped.

"You're not listening," Alison breathed angrily. Emily could be more difficult than she ever was. " _Again._ "

Emily crossed her arms but didn't retort.

"I'm sorry alright I'm sorry for everything," Alison yelled, showcasing the guilt that had built up inside of her over the years.

"And I forgive you," Emily said hesitantly and nodded slightly though her eyes didn't soften.

"Do you, Em?" Alison asked in disbelief. "Because it feels like you're just waiting for me to slip up again."

"Wouldn't be the first time you've broken my trust," Emily snapped.

Alison sighed rubbing at her temples.

"I'm trying Emily, I'm trying to change and if you can't see that then I don't know what to tell you," Alison admitted defeatedly.

Emily looked at her for a long moment. And Alison watched as a steely look flashed in Emily's eyes and the brunette hardened as if she wouldn't let herself show compassion.

"I'll figure out what you're hiding," she said finally spinning on her heel and storming out. She pushed past Carlos at the door and didn't even apologize as she left without another word.

Carlos came over to the frustrated blonde and whistled low in sympathy.

"She seemed mad," he said easily.

Alison nodded feeling completely defeated.

"For what its worth, I think its great you're trying to better yourself," Carlos said encouragingly smiling at her charmingly.

"How much did you hear?" she asked sharply. She wasn't a fan of the fact that he had intently listened in on her clearly private conversation. Was nothing sacred anymore?

"Enough," he shrugged innocently. "I believe you are changing by the way."

She smiled back politely and took a seat on the table to fold more blankets, Carlos followed her.

"Well you're the only one," Alison admitted. "And you didn't know me before so you're not exactly the best judge."

"Maybe I'm the perfect judge, maybe thats exactly what you need," Carlos hedged gently. "A fresh start, a clean slate."

His hand slid gently to her thigh and Alison looked down at it as he squeezed softly.

"Oh Carlos," Alison sighed sadly. "I really wish you hadn't done that."

Carlos' smile fell and he retracted his hand slowly. Was that all she was to people? A sex object? She shouldn't be surprised, she supposed. She had always felt like very few people saw past her beauty. Emily, and perhaps Ezra.

"I'm sorry?" he backtracked.

"You should be, you eavesdropped on a private conversation, an argument between myself and someone I obviously care deeply for and then you thought what I needed was a come on, what the hell is wrong with you?" she snapped.

Carlos held up his hands in surrender.

"I only heard a bit and she was way out of line I-"

"Don't presume to know anything about Emily or what I have done to her," Alison seethed. "You don't get to judge her, I hurt her a lot and she's mad and taking it out on me, but it has nothing to do with you."

Carlos nodded.

"I'm sorry I thought you needed comfort…"

Alison scoffed.

"That," she pointed to his hand. "Was not comfort, that was a proposition."

Carlos dropped his head and shook out his shaggy hair.

"You're right, I'm sorry, I was being too friendly but you were friendly back and I thought," he shrugged.

"Well you thought wrong," Alison stood angrily. "I laughed at your stupid story to be polite and maybe make a friend not because I want to have sex with you, what the hell is wrong with people."

She gathered her things angrily.

"Ali I'm s-"

"Alison," the blonde snapped at him. "Only my friends call me Ali."

"Alison," he corrected. "I'm sorry I offended you, please don't leave."

He smiled warmly and Alison scoffed.

"You're a jerk," she shoved some blankets into his arms. "Tell Father Ted I quit or whatever."

With that she strutted out of the church. So much for charity therapy.

* * *

Several days later Alison sat in her car outside the Fields home. She'd been here a lot lately but she'd never gotten out of her car. She'd just sit outside the house waiting. It was a little creepy, she admitted, but she wasn't even sure what she was waiting for. More often than not she wouldn't see anyone and eventually she'd just go home. Sometimes, rarely, she'd catch a glimpse of Emily at her window seat. She supposed thats why she did it - to catch a glimpse of Emily.

The brunette was angry, she knew, and while Alison didn't blame Emily for her anger it didn't mean it didn't hurt that she lashed out at Alison. She doesn't understand why the brunette wasn't happy to see her. Before the dollhouse, Alison could've sworn that Emily had looked devastated that she was going to jail. And didn't the dollhouse prove that Alison was innocent, that she had been protecting the girls from something more sinister all along? It wasn't fair of Emily to treat her this way. Steeling her nerves Alison grabbed the trash bag and headed for the front door.

She knocked softly almost hoping Emily wouldn't hear or wouldn't be home and she could just leave the bag on the doorstep. There was a cop car parked across the street so she had no fear that anyone would take it. In fact she could just leave it with the officer assigned to watch Emily, that made much more sense. Too soon the door swung open.

Alison gulped as Emily's hard brown eyes fixed on her, the air between them was thick with unspoken discourse.

"Yes?" Emily asked unpleasantly.

Alison held up the trash bag.

"I didn't want you to get in trouble," she tried to smile but Emily just shook her head and turned on her heel heading further into the house.

Alison watched her go, before deciding that was probably as much of an invitation as she was going to get. She closed the door gently behind herself and headed up the stairs to Emily's room.

The brunette was leaning against her desk waiting when Alison entered the room, it smelt of new paint and Alison could see that the walls had been redecorated rather than their usual yellow colour they were now a light sky blue. Alison could understand wanting to change the room as much as possible, the bits and pieces she had heard from the rumour mill summed up the girls had been kept captive in exact replicas of their own bedrooms for a month. Their own personal prisons.

"I like it," Alison complimented.

Emily shrugged.

"I just wanted to bring your picnic blanket back," Alison said shifting on her feet. "I didn't mean to keep you from anything."

"Do you have a prior engagement?" Emily asked sharply. "Maybe with the oh so wonderful Carlos."

Alison shook her head exasperated.

"No," she gritted her teeth. "Carlos isn't a friend or anything else."

"Why?" Emily asked suddenly standing up a little straighter, sensing Ali's discomfort at the thought.

Alison sighed.

"Because he like everyone else was being nice for his own benefit," Alison bitterly smiled. "I'm done being used by people."

"You'll never be done using people," Emily chuckled darkly. "Alison DiLaurentis- Puppet Master."

Alison looked to the floor, scuffing her boots on the rug absentmindedly. There was no point talking to Emily when she was like this. It wouldn't do them any good Alison knew.

"I should go," Alison said softly, trying to avoid the fight that was approaching.

"What about that night in your room?" Emily grasped at something, anything to keep the blonde here with her. It was like a terrible addiction - part of her wanted Alison to hurt and leave, the other part of her wanted Alison all to herself. "You really sunk to a whole _new level_ that night."

Alison turned to her sharply. Emily was going to start crossing lines that they had no hope in coming back from.

"Don't presume to know what I felt about that night, Emily," Alison warned softly with a dangerous edge to her voice.

"What else am I supposed to do, you never brought it up again or gave me a chance to!" Emily began to raise her voice once more.

"Didn't give you a chance? All I did was give you chances," Alison fumed, starting to see red. "'Walk me home Em', 'I don't want to be alone Em', I gave you every opportunity to talk to me but you were so hung up on Mona and her stupid lies."

"So why didn't you say anything?" Emily challenged.

"Because I was giving you space, letting you come to me, but you never wanted to talk about it!" Alison screamed. She had thought she was doing the right thing, thought that Emily would appreciate the approach.

"What was I suppose to say 'Oh hey Ali wanna talk about the night we practically had sex'?"

Alison scoffed, unable to hold back her claws.

"If you think _that_ was sex Paige and Maya need a refresher course," Alison taunted.

"Don't say her name," Emily hissed dangerously.

"Maya," Alison smirked. "She's a person Emily, a dead person but she wasn't a saint, being dead doesn't change that!"

Alison turned away her voice falling into a disappointed whisper.

"It certainly didn't for me."

"I loved her," Emily said softly, her voice suddenly empty and pathetic.

"Like you loved me?" Alison goaded angrily whirling on the brunette.

"She loved me back!" Emily shouted, her brown eyes glaring daggers at the blonde. The hidden accusation tore deep at the blonde.

"Like I didn't?" Alison matched her volume. "Like I didn't do _everything_ in my power to keep you safe!"

"You mean alive - I've never been _safe_ , especially not with _you_ ," Emily spat. "You wanted to keep me alive so you could keep me dangling, close enough to be at your beck and call but never close enough to actually hurt you."

"Really?" Alison scoffed. "Then how come _you_ turned on _me_ , Emily? How come it felt like _my_ heart had been ripped out when you pushed me back to the cops? How come I had to _beg_ you to come to my trial?"

"Don't forget I wanted to plant evidence," Emily sneered, her cruelty really surfacing. It was as if all her self-hatred was brimming at the surface and waiting to wrongfully explode on the blonde in the form of an attack.

Alison's lips curled into a feral grin.

"I'd expect nothing less I've heard you've really gotten in touch with your dark side lately, Em. A married woman huh? I'd be impressed if I wasn't so grossed out," Alison crossed her arms smirking as Emily's eyes hardened in anger.

Emily clenched her fists betraying her surprise momentarily and Alison pushed her advantage.

"Thats right I know all about your little affair, I never thought I'd add cheater to your resume," she scoffed.

"Like you can judge, how many married men have you seduced Alison?" Emily bit back.

Alison sobered slightly.

"Enough to know everyone gets hurt," she admitted with a frown. It had crossed her mind that Emily _must_ be hurting in more than one way.

"So now you've got a conscience, how _convenient_ ," Emily spat bitterly.

"Did she offer to leave him for you, Emily? Make you feel special?" Alison stepped closer, trying to win this because she refused to be kicked around anymore. "I'm surprised you haven't got another squeeze since Paige left and your sugar mama seems to have evaporated."

Emily's glare hardened.

"Shut up, Alison," Emily warned.

"Or what?" Alison taunted. "Your little posse isn't here, no wonder Mona decided you were the weakest link. Your strengths always have been in others, Emily. Protecting them, saving them but when it comes to your own heart, you're so very, very _vulnerable._ "

Emily lunged forward shoving Alison hard against the wall.

"I said shut up," Emily seethed baring her teeth, her warm breath hitting Ali's face. The blonde's heart was pounding furiously in her chest at their close proximity but she was hoping the brunette couldn't see how affected she was.

"Did I hit a nerve?" Alison asked smirking as Emily pushed her harder into the wall and she winced. "I must say I'm amazed by how many women you've gone through since you stopped lying to yourself you must be doing _something_ right."

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Emily taunted and Alison smirked.

"You don't have it in you," Alison spat. "Too wrapped up in your little feelings and your endless 'love', tell me Emily how many people plant evidence against people they supposedly _love_?"

"I wouldn't know, probably the same amount that play hot and cold for their own sadistic pleasure," Emily challenged. " _Tell me_ Alison has Daddy given you a hug since you got out of jail or does he still think you killed your mother?"

Alison's blue eyes burned with fury and she looked ready to hit the brunette. This relationship was toxic. There was very little good left in it after all the aggression and lies and seduction. So she did the only thing she knew. She grasped Emily's face and pulled the brunette to her, crashing their lips together desperately. It was all teeth and tongues and harsh panting as they tried to consume each other.

"This is a horrible idea," Emily argued through her panting even as her lips sought out Alison's again.

"The worst," Alison gasped arching into the brunette's mouth.

"We should stop," Emily nipped at Alison's jaw, her hands squeezing at Alison's ass, kneading the flesh under her palms.

"But we wont?" Alison asked pulling back slightly. She stayed that way for a long moment giving Emily an out. A chance to stop what they both knew was an inevitable train wreck.

"Not on your life," Emily concluded lifting the blonde up higher onto the wall.

Alison's legs wrapped around Emily's waist as the brunette lifted her, the blonde's hands clutching Emily's shoulders, her back crashing into the wall as Emily sucked the very life from her hot mouth. The day was lost to their moans and aggressive pleasure, taking and owning each other well into the afternoon. They only stopped when Mrs Fields came home and they hastily hurried to hide any evidence of their lustful encounter.

It didn't solve anything Alison noted some time later, Emily had turned cold as soon as their clothes were back on and even in the throes of passion the brunette radiated nothing but distain for Alison. It was unhealthy and unfair for each of them to even consider using each other like that. But that didn't mean it stopped happening.

* * *

"Oh, Em," Alison gasped throwing her head back, her fingers digging into brunette's strong shoulders.

"You like that," Emily whispered hotly into Alison's ear, a seductive taunt as her fingers thrusted into the blonde.

Once again they found themselves pressed tightly against a wall this time in Alison's bedroom. It had started off innocently enough Alison had texted Spencer asking for her notes on last years classes knowing that the Hastings' star pupil would never throw away her precious study notes. Intent to catch up on her missed schooling, Alison had been cramming in make up tests and assignments to hopefully make it back into her senior year class only a summer school session behind. It was a gruelling process but Spencer's notes were always a big help.

When she'd opened her bedroom door she had been shocked to find Emily with Spencer's notes. Spencer was apparently spending too much time with Toby, which Emily seemed bitter about. Whether it was cause she missed Toby or Spencer Alison couldn't really tell and Emily had almost bitten her head off when she asked.

They'd stood tensely for a long moment before Emily had pretty much lunged for her without so much as dropping the notes on the desk. Alison was just as desperate for the brunette and they fell immediately back into what was becoming patterned behaviour for them. Crashing into each other, tearing at clothes - Alison was shirtless with her jeans around her ankles and Emily was also missing her shirt but still had her pants on. Alison hadn't even managed to get out of her underwear before Emily shoved her forcefully against the wall once more, lifting the blonde up and sliding her hand past Alison's flimsy panties.

"Ah," Alison whimpered as her eyes shut and Emily curled her fingers inside her. This was not love. This was dirty sex, plain and simple dirty fucking sex. But maybe if Ali closed her eyes enough, maybe if she told herself it was something more then she could really believe it.

"I can't tell you how often I've thought of fucking you like this," Emily smirked thrusting harder as Alison whined in her arms. "Wasn't as hard to get here as I thought."

Ouch. Cruel dig number 1.

"Oh fuck, ba- Em," Alison gasped overloaded by Emily, it felt like the brunette was everywhere.

"Did you think about me when you were all alone," Emily taunted her thumb swiping over Alison's clit. Her words could have been hot and seductive, but they were dripping with aggression and hurt. "Did you think about me _inside_ you?"

Alison arched into the contact and grasped for Emily's head digging her nails painfully into the brunettes scalp. She knew that last question was mostly teasing, but also a sincere curiosity that the brunette was vocalizing. And Alison didn't want to give her the pleasure of knowing the answer, not when Emily was so harsh and cold.

"Just .. shut up," Alison panted as she threw her head back. "And fuck me."

"I am," Emily hotly answered thrusting her fingers brutally, the force almost too much for Ali. "Don't you dare forget whose fucking you."

Alison crashed their lips together, more to finally shut Emily up than to feel the brunette's lips. She moaned into the brunette's mouth as the pace picked up considerably. Emily was obviously paying her back for silencing the brunette's taunts. But Alison had to- when Emily was inside her, making her whole body quake, she could almost make herself believe nothing had happened, that they were happy and in love and this was just a particularly heated exchange but they'd get back to the loving place soon enough.

Her fantasy was quickly destroyed though by Emily's taunting words her vicious tongue spewing nothing but aggressive suggestions that Alison was nothing but a slut that Emily got to fuck. It hurt more than the betrayal to know that thats what Emily thought of her, so she shut the brunette up.

Alison swirled her tongue around Emily's trying to dominate the brunette as Emily flexed into her and Alison was finally relaxing back into her fantasy where they were both happy when a sharp knock to her bedroom door halted her movements.

Her bedroom door was closed but unlocked and Alison pulled her lips away from Emily. But the brunette didn't seem as interested in stopping as Alison, her fingers still moving slowly but deliberately inside the blonde.

"Ali are you in there?" Jason called through the door.

Alison tried to push herself out of Emily's arms but the brunette defiantly held her tightly up against the wall.

"Don't come in," Alison called helplessly out to Jason. "I'm changing."

Emily snickered and trailed her tongue down Alison's throat, making the blonde arch into her.

"Stop," Alison hissed, half meaning it.

"Get rid of him," Emily hissed back, licking at Alison's neck before she started sucking on it.

"Dad wants to know what you want for dinner, he's picking up take away," Jason yelled.

"I don't care," Alison yelled back, her head hitting the wall particularly hard as Emily sucked, her fingers working into Alison again.

"What was that?" Jason asked concern floating through the door.

"Nothing," Alison hastily called.

Emily bite down on Alison's neck at the same time she curled her fingers inside the blonde and Alison couldn't stop her loud moan. Emily grinned against her skin as Alison panted.

"What the hell?!" Jason called through the door. "Is that Carlos guy in there?"

Emily froze and raised her head. The fire in Emily's eyes was palpable and Alison gulped. Emily retched herself free of the blonde and Alison just managed to catch herself on the wall as Emily pulled away sharply.

"Em wait," Alison called as Emily flung on her shirt. "It's not…"

Emily was already storming for the door as Alison pulled up her jeans, her thighs slick and the feeling incredibly unpleasant. Emily flung the door open and almost crashed into Jason.

"Whoa," Jason commented as Emily glared at him, he took one look at his sister in her bra still trying to do up her jeans and put the whole thing together.

"Emily wait!" Alison called not even bothering to grab a shirt as Emily stormed down the stairs.

As Alison passed her brother, his eyes wide as his brain tried to put all the pieces together, she punched him in the arm.

"Thanks a lot, asshole," she muttered running after Emily.

"Emily STOP!" Alison commanded when they were on the front lawn.

Emily did clenching her fists at her side but didn't turn around.

"Emily please, Jason's an idiot and-"

"Was Carlos in your room?" Emily seethed.

"Emily.."

"Was he?"

Alison sighed rubbing at her forehead frustratedly, she knew what the brunette was doing, as soon as she confirmed that yes Carlos was in her room Emily would run and the brunette would use that as justification. That Alison was a skank and Emily was in the clear once again.

"Why do you care?" Alison threw back, diverting from the question. "We're not a couple, Emily."

Emily faulted, obviously not expecting Alison to call her out on her jealousy.

"Who knows what shit you could give me?" Emily viscously spat as she turned around to face Alison.

"Great," Alison threw up her arms. "Not only am I hoe, I'm also irresponsible."

"You're the one that fucks anything that moves, Alison," Emily shouted.

"That's were you're wrong, _sweetie_ ," Alison's lips pulled into a cruel smirk. "You've had more side pieces out of the two of us."

"At least I care about my partners," Emily argued.

"Really, Em. You just spent a hour in my room hate-fucking _me_ ," Alison shrieked.

"Because it's what you deserve!"

"For what?" Alison yelled. "What have I done to you that I deserve the one person I've cared, about the one person I've lov-"

"Don't," Emily spat. "Don't you dare say it."

Alison crossed her arms glaring daggers. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted the police cruiser of her appointed officer. He was none too subtly staring at her chest, but Alison ignored him.

"You don't get to dictate my feelings, Emily," Alison warned.

"You don't have any!" Emily huffed as she scrambled to find the words to describe her anger. "You couldn't! After everything you have done, theres is no way you felt anything for any of us! Not after what you put us through!"

"I wish I didn't," Alison admitted her head dropping in defeat. "I wish I didn't feel anything for you, because this wouldn't hurt then."

Emily stood stoically as Alison sighed lifting her head slowly.

"I wouldn't let you do this," Alison continued, her blue eyes vulnerable once more. "Let you hurt me like this if I didn't care."

"You're hurting me," Emily softly cried. Her earlier fire was dwindling back down to the broken girl she was.

"You should go, Emily," Alison quietly pressed.

Emily dropped her arms to her side shaking her head confused as to where this had all turned around. They seemed to have three moods: screaming war, fucking, and crushing despair. It was like they couldn't exist any more unless they were hurting each other and themselves in some way.

Emily nodded finally and turned back to her car.

"For the record Carlos helped me bag some clothes for the church," Alison called. "Thats why he was in my room."

Emily turned back to respond but the blonde was already gone.

* * *

For several weeks nothing changed, each too stubborn to seek the other out. With no real reason to stumble across each other, no shared classes, and no groups assignment, Emily and Alison successfully avoided each other.

Alison had only seen Spencer out of the three girls and they exchanged quick pleasantries more often than not. Every now and then Spencer would briefly help with Alison's school work. The brunette had a lot to catch up on herself so it was rare that they had a chance to sit down. Aria and Hanna still avoided her, not that Alison blamed them and, well, Emily hadn't come round again. Alison wasn't sure if she felt relieved or saddened by the brunette's absence.

Her supposed friends had really put her through a ringer since she got out of jail and they got out of the dollhouse. Still, she couldn't bring herself to really hate them for it. But it didn't make her hate herself any less when Spencer sent an SOS and Alison was next door in a panic before she could even think. She still cared deeply for those who had turned their back on her.

As bad as 'A' texts were SOS's were ten times worse. 'A' texts made you tense. SOS's stopped your heart.

It turned out Spencer wanted a group meeting, including Alison, to get to the bottom of what they collectively knew about Charles and A. It was hypothetically a good idea but Alison couldn't see it working out the way Spencer envisioned - and Alison was right. As soon as Emily turned up, conveniently last, all hell broke loose.

"What is _she_ doing here?" Emily growled in a low voice, obviously not trying hard to be subtle.

Emily glared across the room at Alison and then Spencer. Hanna crossed her arms joining Emily's glare at Alison and the blonde could only imagine what Hanna knew of Emily and Alison's _encounters_.

"I don't think this is a good idea," Alison softly whispered to Spencer, starting to stand from her seat at the foot of Spencer's bed.

"No," Spencer argued laying a hand on Alison to hold her down. "We need you Ali, this is connected to your mother some how and-"

"We don't _need_ anything from this bitch," Hanna spat. The blonde in question flinched, her eyes flickering to Hanna's face. When they were in jail, Hanna had trusted her. Why did none of them trust her anymore? Didn't they realize that she had been played just like them? Didn't they understand that she was tormented too? Or did they really believe this was all her fault - the dollhouse, the threats, the endless nightmares-

"We need answers," Spencer fired back.

"No, _you_ need answers," Hanna yelled at Spencer. "Just leave it alone and let the police handle it. A hasn't texted us since. I just want to graduate and get out of this stupid town."

"The police have been searching for months, A is still out there. The police only found us because A or Charles let them," Spencer cried breathing heavily. It obviously panicked the Hastings protege to feel so out of control and devoid of reason.

"Spencer, hey," Alison called gently placing a soothing hand on Spencer's shoulder. "Just breath for a second."

Spencer nodded fighting her own panic and mimicked Alison as the blonde breathed deeply with her. Finally when she was sure Spencer wasn't going to keel over Alison stopped her exaggerated technique and smiled rubbing Spencer's shoulder soothingly.

"Don't do that," Emily snapped.

Alison looked over to Emily as the brunette crossed her arms furiously.

"Don't act like you care," Emily continued, her dark gaze burning into the blonde.

"I do care," Alison quietly admitted trying not to let Emily bait her into another screaming match.

"Emily," Aria called. "Let's just hear what Alison has to say."

Emily sat with a huff but didn't argue any further. The rest of them looked expectantly to Alison.

"I don't really have any answers to add," Alison admitted sadly. "I don't think I can actually tell you guys anything useful."

"Can't or won't," Hanna argued having beaten Emily by a fraction as Alison watched the brunette's mouth open and shut.

Alison sighed.

"I'm going to go," Alison stood.

"Alison please.."

"I'm sorry, Spencer, but this isn't going to work," Alison sadly recounted she headed for the door aware all four of them were staring at her. She turned back at the doorframe.

"For what its worth I'm sorry about what happened to you all," Alison sincerely told them. "If I could change it I would."

None of them acknowledged her so Alison left.

* * *

Three days later Alison regretted letting Emily and Hanna push her from the meeting. This was ridiculous. All personal feelings aside, they needed to find a way to end this torment. None of them could spend the rest of their lives just waiting for A to resurface and throw them all back into this game. They needed to take action and they needed to do it as a united front.

Alison steeled herself at the Fields front door and rang the bell.

Emily answered it and almost immediately slammed it shut again.

Alison stood there dumbfounded for a moment before she rang the bell again.

No one answered so Alison kept ringing.

"Go away, Alison!" Emily's voice floated through the door.

"No," Alison yelled back. "I need to talk to you."

"I don't want to talk so go away," came Emily's angry reply muffled by the thick front door.

"Fine," Alison huffed, her body sagged with discomfort but her mind was determined. "I'll just start screaming in the street about how you fucked me the other day and didn't even get me off."

The door flew open Emily's eyes dark with rage that made Alison jump slightly.

"Are you threatening me to get inside?" Emily spat in disbelief.

"It worked didn't it," Alison cockily recovered as she slipped past Emily before the brunette could argue.

Emily huffed and stormed off to her bedroom. Alison chased after her.

"We have to find a way to work as a team if we have any hope of taking down A," Alison argued

"Go away Alison, I'm busy," Emily sighed sitting at her desk.

"So what you can storm into my life and yell at me but it's only a one way street?" Alison scoffed. "Typical."

"Whats that supposed to mean?" Emily bit back her tone rising.

"It means exactly what it sounds like Emily, I apologize I try to make amends and you still treat me like the gum you can't quite scrape off your shoe."

"You treated me like that for years!" Emily yelled. Their fights were always escalating quickly to screaming matches these days.

"And I apologized, but you've never once apologized for thinking I was A, turning me over to the police, leaving Mike's confession out of the trial that could have saved me," Alison yelled frantically. "You'd sooner give me genuine forgiveness than an actual apology."

"You want an apology, fine. I'm sorry for all the crap I put you through and I'm so sorry I was stupid enough to _believe_ you could change," Emily spat, her hands shaking as she talked with them.

Alison felt tears brim in her eyes.

"Take your water works else where Alison, I am done," Emily seethed, but her body looked like it was about to give out from emotional exhaustion.

"I wasted so much time on you," Alison bitterly recalled as she forced herself to hold back her tears.

"You don't get to do that," Emily called angrily. "You don't get to act like I'm breaking your heart."

"Why not, Em? Thats exactly what you are doing."

"No its not," Emily gritted her teeth. "You can't break something that doesn't exist."

"Even A has a soul but I don't," Alison nodded. "Alright. You made your point, I'll get out of your way."

"Thank you," Emily bitterly whispered.

Alison headed for the door and then turned back. That old, fiery part of her that had to have the last dig wouldn't let her leave without a parting gift. She pushed back her shoulders and locked her gaze on the shaken brunette.

"I'd say don't miss me but you never do stay _single_ long these days. Where's your latest rebound?" Alison taunted.

"Check a mirror," Emily spat.

Alison grimaced her blue eyes darkening.

"No more Talia? Did the adulterer repent or something?"

"I don't know, she's gone," Emily shrugged some of the fight quickly leaving her. "I met her husband before…everything that happened, and he said I was an experimental fling. He was so sure of it that he didn't even care about what we were doing."

Alison didn't know what to make of this Emily. Angry, hurt Emily was easier to deal with than sad Emily. Sad Emily was brutal.

"Well he was obviously threatened - I mean look at you," Alison gestured towards the brunette.

"He was right," Emily admitted sadly. "I was nothing but an experiment to her. She didn't even try to see me after… everything."

"Well I can't imagine what she was thinking then, she's obviously an idiot," Alison said dismissively.

This was an almost civil conversation and was heading into territory that looked a lot like sharing. Alison just wanted it to be over.

"Well you'd know more about experimenting than me," Emily shot back her eyes bloodshot and cold. And there it was, the snarky dig that drove them apart once more.

"If you're implying that I think of you as an experiment then please stop," Alison snapped.

"Its not like I wasn't an experiment to you once, Maybe I still am, how should I know," Emily shrugged, her words calculated and cold.

"You're never going to let it go are you? I can say sorry till I'm ninety but it won't matter because your precious little feelings were hurt," Alison huffed, hopelessness filling her.

"You played me like a puppet!" Emily retorted. "You made me feel ashamed of myself. Made me feel loved and supported one minute and disgusting and worthless the next, what the hell was wrong with you?"

"I was _fifteen_!" Alison's hoarse voice protested as she tried to scream but it sounded more like a broken strained cry. "I was a stupid kid and there was a lot more going on than you can even hope to understand."

"And whose fault was that? You never told me anything," Emily let out a shaky breath as Alison walks away. "Or were you still _'protecting'_ me?"

Alison stops sharply.

"Screw you, Emily," she turned back to face the furious brunette. "Just screw you."

"You already did!" Emily shouted at her retreating figure.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This got separated into two parts cause the site was driving me nuts, sorry. Disclaimers in chapter one.**

Alison sat in her room trying to figure out the thematic undertones of Hamlet. So far, all she knew was that everyone was crazy. She'd used to love English before her life went to hell. She loved the stories and romance, the adventure in a good book. Now every piece of media just made her life seem like a soap opera in comparison. Other people's adventures could end, and books could be put away and televisions turned off - but Alison's nightmare stretched across every facet of her life.

She'd been trying to work through this with her therapist, specifically how she related to Emily and their tragic love story. Thats how she saw it now, as a tragedy, and every time Alison cast herself as the villain. She blamed herself for everything that happened between them no matter how much she apologized to Emily and brought up the brunette's equal wrong doings it was always her own that Alison felt crushed by. She was constantly suffocated by her own failure. It hurt so much more that the one person she'd always turned to was so against her now. Emily had grown up, moulded by Alison's cruelty and A's terror into this angry, hateful person so far removed from the loving, naive little girl Alison knew. And the changes would have been fine, Alison would have been able to handle them if she didn't know that this Emily was tearing herself apart as much as Alison. That hurt the most.

Sudden pounding on the front door startled Alison and she stood up slowly. The pounding continued until Alison could hear the door creak open. She hadn't locked it. How could she have been so stupid?

Heavy footsteps sounded in the foyer before they started up the stairs and Alison rushed around her room for a weapon. She grabbed her hair brush since it was the only thing near by and lunged for the door, intent to lock it.

A hand shot out and threw the door open before she could close it and Alison scrambled back as the figure crossed the threshold into her room.

"Emily?" Alison gasped as Emily stepped into the light, swaying slightly on her feet. "What the hell you scared me half to death!"

Emily hiccuped and then smiled dopily.

"Mm sorry," Emily chuckled.

"Holy crap are you drunk?" Alison accused as the smell of whiskey wafted from the glassy eyed brunette.

"Maybe a little," Emily pinched her thumb and forefinger together demonstrating how little.

"Oh my god," Alison groaned softly. She couldn't let her stay in her room, drunk and helpless. It honestly didn't feel very safe emotionally to have her here like this. "You need to go home. Did you drive?"

Emily shook her head.

"I walked, from the… the party," Emily tried to recall. "I wanted to see you."

"Well you've seen me and now you need to go home," Alison searched her room for her car keys there was no way she was letting Emily walk home in this state.

"But I missed you," Emily whined as Alison located her keys and steered the stumbling brunette to the door.

"You're drunk Emily, you hate me remember," Alison softly reminded, it wouldn't do any good to yell at Emily in this state even though her words were cutting through Alison's heart.

"Not true, not true," Emily sloppily argued, turning out of Alison's grip.

"Emily please, I have a lot of homework and its late," Alison begged. She just needed Emily to go. The brunette was so cute and vulnerable as a drunk, almost like the girl Alison once knew. And Alison could feel her own defences lowering rapidly, her stomach churning with a longing for this side of Emily.

"You hate me," Emily whined, flopping onto Alison's bed face down.

"Emily," Alison sighed. "I don't hate you but you need to go home and sleep this off."

Emily shook her head, still buried in Alison's mattress and petulantly wriggled as Alison tried to pull her up. The brunette flipped over unexpectedly and pulled Alison down on top of her. Alison shrieked in surprise, catching herself by pressing her hands into the mattress on either side of Emily's head as the brunette smiled up at her.

"Hi," Emily giggled.

"Em," Alison warned as Emily reached up and kissed along the blonde's jaw.

"I love your bed," Emily muttered moving down to Alison's neck with lavish kisses.

"Emily we can't do this," Alison pitifully whimpered as her arms shook trying to hold herself off Emily's body.

Emily's hands slid down Alison's sides and grasped at her ass pulling the blonde flush against her and Alison cried out at the heat, the feeling she'd longed for of Emily pressed against her.

"We can," Emily argued. "I can make you feel good."

Alison felt want pool in her stomach as Emily kisses grew more desperate, sucking at her skin as the brunette tried to persuade her.

"I know," Alison admitted. "I know you can but… this.."

Emily pushed up and silenced Alison's protest with her perfect lips. She bullied her tongue into Alison's mouth and stole Alison's shocked moan as she flipped them over.

"You want this," Emily panted into Alison's mouth as she rocked into the blonde below her.

"I do," Alison admitted arching as Emily's hand slid to cup her sex through her lounge pants.

"So do I," Emily kissed her aggressively as the blonde's fingers tangled into Emily's hair pulling her closer.

"I always want to fuck you," Emily growled out harshly, nipping at her bottom lip.

And just like that the reality came crashing down on Alison, this wasn't a drunk vulnerable Emily seeking comfort - this was angry Emily trying to fuck away her rage. Alison felt angry, betrayed tears pool in her eyes as she wretched herself free from the kiss.

"Where are you going?" Emily groaned as Alison pushed the brunette off her and stood from the bed.

The blonde ran a hand through her messy hair trying to get her breathing under control, she couldn't believe she'd almost lost it again.

Emily stumbled from the bed.

"What's wrong?" Emily asked reaching out a hand, she almost seemed concerned but Alison knew better.

"What do you want Emily? Do you want to punish me? Make me suffer as much as I've made you suffer?" Alison yelled pushing Emily away.

Everything Alison had ever felt towards Emily exploded out of Alison before she had a chance to stop herself. In that moment, Alison snapped. All the guilt she had endured over the last few years hits her like a hammer slamming into what was left of her shattered heart. She had just let herself get lost in Emily, lost in her hopeless fantasy, only to be jolted out of it sharply by the harsh reality of Emily's words. The proof of Emily's hatred and inability to forgive her was shoved right in her face, again- and Ali couldn't handle it.

"Fine," she shouted dropping to her knees on the floor. "Do it! Punish me!"

Emily watched, stunned. Her glassy eyes focused as the blonde teared at her own shirt, ripping it over her head and reaching for her bra. Emily's eyes widened as the blonde fumbled, caught in a crazy haste as she started to hyperventilate. Tears streamed down her face as she grunted while unsnapping the back of her bra.

"This is what you want right? To use me!" Alison shrieked in pure frustration, throwing off her bra and unbuttoning her pants furiously as Emily crouched in front of her.

"Ali-" the brunette tried to grab her wrists but Alison wretched herself away. She needed to suffer.

"P-p-lease just do it," she sputtered out, her voice hoarse and broken as she furiously undid her pants. Emily's eyes just couldn't get any bigger as the blonde stripped herself completely naked and stared helplessly at the brunette. "This is what you want right? To use me like some whore? Cause I deserve it?"

The silence from Emily cut Ali deeply – she was certain the brunette couldn't even stand to look at her.

"Am I not good enough for you? I can't even be a good enough slut for you to touch huh? I can't-"

"Stop it Ali, I'm not going to hurt you," Emily said firmly as she backed away almost tripping. The damage between them is too much already.

"What are you waiting for?" Alison screamed at her.

"I'm not going to hurt you," Emily repeated softly staring at her with sad, drunk eyes. "I have to go."

"No," Alison gripped for her desperately. "Please, please don't go, Em, please."

She begged clinging to the brunette for dear life. Tears began to stream down her face. If Emily walked out that door Alison knew she wouldn't come back.

"This isn't healthy," Emily soothed unwinding Alison's arm from around her.

"Please, please just punish me, just make me suffer, please," Alison hiccuped through her tears.

"Why?" Emily asked desperately. "Why do you want me to _hurt_ you?"

"Then you can forgive me, we can move on, just do it, I can take it," Alison begged as Emily stood up.

"No, Ali, this won't fix anything," Emily shook her head, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

"Please," Alison begged sliding along the floor on her knees to grab a hold of Emily's leg. "Please don't leave."

"I have to," Emily whispered her voice cracking.

"No," Alison sobbed but Emily pulled herself free.

"I won't hurt you, Alison," Emily promised as she headed for the door.

"You already have," Alison cried, her voice hoarse and thick with pain. "You break me every time you leave."

Emily took a deep breath at the door and headed through it. Alison watched the brunette leave through her blurry vision before slumping into a tight ball and crying into her carpet. She hiccuped and spluttered through her tears taking sharp, devastated gasps for breath. Her whole body burned, her stomach twisting viciously in pain and her head replaying every word Emily had ever shouted in anger and in love.

* * *

Alison had been seeing her therapist regularly, fearing that she would become even more closed off from the world after that terrible night in her room. She could admit the sessions were helping, she felt lighter after each one now instead of the suffocation she felt just trying to exist. She'd heard from Spencer that Hanna had finally convinced Emily to see someone and she was glad the brunette was at least taking steps to better herself.

They saw each other sparingly at school and around town, not really going out of their ways to ignore the other but not really making an effort to be friends. Gradually it was as though they had a polite acquaintance. Alison would wave, Emily would wave back and vice versa. Spencer would split her time accordingly between the two and maybe it wasn't fair to anyone but it worked.

Eventually graduation rolled around, Alison still too far behind in credits wouldn't graduate until the next year. Through summer school and with Spencer's help she was hoping she could be done in a term but there was a lot to catch up on. She had skipped the girls graduation not wanting to be reminded of another event she missed, and for the most part the others understood. So far the police had not found the elusive A and no more texts or threats had come through. They were all hoping to put this ordeal far behind them.

A knock at the door sounded and Alison hauled herself out of bed and trudged down the stairs in her pyjamas convinced Jason had locked himself out again.

When she opened the door instead of her grumbling brother she was met with a nervous Emily Fields.

"If this is a booty call I'm not interested," Alison snapped before she could stop herself.

"It's not," Emily assured. "May I come in?"

Alison stepped aside with a shrug and Emily nervously shuffled in.

"Coffee?" Alison asked already heading for the kitchen, it was late but Alison had no doubt she wouldn't be getting any sleep after Emily left, no matter what this impromptu visit was about.

"No thank you," Emily replied politely following Alison into the kitchen.

Alison busied herself with setting up the machine but after taking twice as long as usual she eventually ran out of stalling tactics and turned to Emily.

"Why are you here?"

"I came to give you this," Emily held out a purple wrapped present.

"What is it?" Alison asked accepting the gift cautiously.

"An early graduation present," Emily smiled warmly.

Alison smiled back unable to help herself, she'd always loved presents especially unexpected surprise presents. She turned the parcel over in her hands.

"Most people find it more useful if you open it," Emily chuckled as Alison continued to inspect the wrapping.

Alison took a deep breath and opened it carefully, not creasing or tearing any of the edges this was the first gift Emily had given her in three years. As the paper opened it revealed something quite startling.

"What?" Alison looked up to Emily in disbelief. "Why did you get me this?"

Emily fiddled with her hands nervously.

Nestled in the paper in incredibly good condition was _Great Expectations_. A First Edition.

"Emily what does this mean?" Alison questioned her forehead wrinkling in confusion.

"I got it for you because no matter what happened.. you've always meant something to me," Emily sighed. "And I wanted you to know that… even though we didn't work."

Alison felt her heart clench painfully. She steeled herself for what she had to say, she'd been over this in therapy what felt like a hundred times but that didn't make this any easier.

"We.. I can't go back, Emily," Alison hiccuped as tears gathered in her eyes. "We're a disaster."

Emily nodded sadly, wiping at her own cheeks even though they were dry.

"I know," Emily agreed. "Too much has happened and I hate _me_ when I'm with you."

It hurt like a punch to the gut and Alison almost stumbled from the force of it.

"But I didn't always," Emily hurriedly continued. "You were such an important part of my life Alison, my first love and… I just wanted to let you know that."

Alison nodded a single tear escaping her glassy blue eyes before she hastily wiped away the evidence.

"I'm sorry, Em," Alison breathed, feeling for all the world like she'd never truly be done apologizing. "I hope one day you can forgive me and… I wish you all the happiness in the world."

Emily moved forward reaching for Alison's trembling hands, she laced their fingers together gently.

"I do forgive you, Ali."

For the first time Alison actually believed her.

"And I hope you'll forgive me," Emily stared into Alison's watery eyes. "I hope you find your Pip."

Alison wanted to drag her back in as the brunette let go of her hands with one final squeeze.

"Em," Alison called as the brunette turned away, tears streaming down her face.

Emily turned back to the crying blonde.

"If this is goodbye," Alison hiccuped through her tears. "If this is goodbye can we do it properly?"

Emily studied the blonde for a long moment and then nodded. Closure was what they needed. Alison set the book reverently on the kitchen counter as Emily stepped up to her.

Alison's shaking hands settled on Emily's shoulders as the brunette easily curled her hands around Alison's waist. Pulling each other closer, they melted together in a hug and Alison tried to commit the feeling to her memory because when this broke that was all she would have. A memory.

Emily sighed deeply trying to keep her own emotions in check as Alison cried into her neck. It hurt so much to do this, to let go. The brunette was trying to make herself numb to the feeling. But like every time she was around the blonde her senses were on high alert.

Eventually Emily pulled back lifting Alison's head out of her neck where the blonde had hidden away never wanting this to end because when it did they both knew it would be for good. The right thing hurt so much more than the wrong thing.

Watery blue eyes met solemn brown and unable to help herself Emily leaned forward, Alison following her until their lips met in a chaste gentle kiss. It wasn't the start of something, it wasn't deepened or frenzied, it was just a gentle pressure like a ghost of their former closeness.

Alison broke the kiss first and flung herself back into Emily's arms sobbing into the brunette's neck. Emily held her tightly, the brunette's own tears freely flowing.

This was the end but more depressing than that was the thought that permeated in both Alison's and Emily's minds- it was the end of something that never truly got the chance to begin.

 **A/N: Damn I neglected to mention this two shot is a prologue. Whoops. Multi chapter fic to come set three years later. Its a Process.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Finally we got here.**

 **Warnings: Foul Language, PTSD.**

 **Thanks to my trustee Co-Writer Emisonxx (all praise should be directed to her, I am for all your criticism needs thank you).**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own Pretty Little Liars.**

 **As always enjoy. :)**

 _"_ _Stop please I'll do anything."_

Emily awoke in a cold sweat, blood still pounding in her ears, death gripping the sheets tangled around her. She shook her head trying to clear it of the nightmare she'd just awoken from. It didn't happen as often now, she looked to her open bedroom door and let out a relieved sigh upon seeing that it was still open. Laying in the dark trying to fall asleep was impossible for Emily if the door was closed, just another scar left by A or Charles or whoever the fuck tried to ruin her life. Tried being the key word. They almost had if it weren't for her best friends, the four of them supporting each other, always having each others back. They never turned on each other, made sure they were there for each other, only… No. Emily pushed the thought from her mind, she thought about _her_ enough in her nightmares she didn't need the other girl in her day too.

Everyone had moved on, gotten their lives together and moved out of Rosewood onto better and happier things. Though the knowledge that A was never captured was still there, it was an unspoken rule whenever the girls talked to each other to never mention the name Charles or A again. And as time went by it got easier, it wasn't a conscious effort anymore it was just the natural flow of conversation, any topic that drifted towards life in Rosewood was rerouted and everyone went on with their day without batting an eyelash.

Emily's therapist called it deflection.

And he claimed that if the girls truly wanted to get past A they needed to face the trauma that had been inflicted upon them all and to be honest about it. Emily thought her therapist was a dickhead and told him as much. He didn't seem particularly affected though, he was a military therapist assigned specifically to war veterans who had seen and done horrific things and he was used to verbal abuse being thrown at him. Emily could admire that but it didn't mean she liked the man and it certainly didn't make him right.

Emily was fine.

She had two good jobs, her health, she went to a good university, she studied hard, spoke to her long distance friends, talked to her parents and still maintained a happy disposition under the mountain of stress she had taken on. Her therapist called her a high functioning ptsd survivor, and suggested that she had jam packed her life full of so many things and so many people in the hopes of squeezing all the negative memories out. Only it didn't work like that, at all. The negative seeped in, in the quiet moments when Emily was alone in her bed and alone with her thoughts. The knowledge of what had happened to her stuck around and try as she might the memories of what _she_ had done wouldn't go away.

She sighed glancing at the alarm clock on her bedside table. It wasn't even six yet but she rolled out of bed anyway determined to run, another thing doctor know-it-all questioned- what was she running from? God she hated that man so much.

After a long run, a hot shower, a light breakfast and three gruelling classes: physics, math and a bio lab, it was finally Emily's favourite part of her day. Swimming lessons.

Not taking swimming lessons of course, but _teaching_. It was the first lesson of the season and Emily was excited to get to know her new little charges, she'd been working at the swimming centre since she first moved to Berkeley three years prior and teaching swimming was an obvious job choice. The value in the moral reward far out paid the minimum wage.

"Before we get started everyone we need to talk about safety. The pool can be a lot of fun but everyone has to be safe," Emily smiled at the tiny faces before her.

The six kids on the step waist deep in warm water looked between each other shuffling with uncertainty. This group had never swam and were between seven and twelve year old beginners. Emily loved beginners groups the best because watching kids discover how much fun the water could be and how quickly they improved always warmed her heart.

The centre was packed today and four lanes were being used for the swimming school, all beginners of varying ages. Brad and Rick were on either side of Emily instructing their own groups, Brad's booming voice was as always getting lots of laughs out of the kids he was supervising as usual. He was always pretty personable. Emily's eyes kept darting to Rick's group though. He was notorious for getting easily distracted and Emily had gotten the middle lane for the sole purpose of keeping an eye on him, one more slip and she could get him fired.

She looked back to her own group and smiled at them.

"No running, no rough housing, no splashing, no yelling and no dunking," Emily warned. "I need everyone to follow my instructions and we'll have a super fun day. Can I get a yeah?"

The little kids looked at each other in confusion.

"Yeah?" Emily tried again.

"Yeah," a few of them called back.

"We'll work on that," Emily promised with a warm smile. "Alright, everyone needs to stay on the step and I'm going to take you out one at a time can everyone do that for me?"

The group nodded with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

"So who wants to go first?" Emily asked.

No one made a move.

"How about you?" Emily pointed to the oldest boy, somewhere between ten and eleven from the look of him.

He looked scared but nodded anyway trying to put on a tough face. Still, the apprehension radiated off of him so the brunette tried to subtly comfort him.

"What's your name?" Emily asked kindly, she had all their names on her chart of course but she liked to give the kids a chance to introduce themselves.

He didn't answer but fixed her with a untrusting glare, his blue eyes shinning with uncertainty under his dark brown fringe. Emily could tell he wasn't going to make this easy for either of them. She was all too used to dealing with those who were stubborn and resilient.

"I'm Emily," she held out her hand for a shake and he took it in a tight grip.

"You're pretty strong," Emily complimented when they finished their shake and he couldn't stop a proud grin from stretching across his lips.

"Alright Mr Strong and Silent lets get you in here," Emily encouraged. "Turn around for me."

He did so slowly and kept checking over his shoulder as Emily moved up to him.

"Now just lay on your back and float," Emily instructed laying the boy down in the water while she supported his back easily.

He shuffled somewhat obviously unfamiliar with the weightless feeling but clung to Emily's elbow as she floated him away from the step.

"It's ok," Emily soothed as he gripped tightly. "I've got you."

Emily watched over to make sure the other children hadn't moved off the step and the adults around them were all watching carefully. Rick kept sneaking glances at his phone but he caught her eye and turned back to his group.

"You're doing really good, kid," Emily praised when the boy let go of her elbow slowly.

"I'm going to take my hands away now," Emily warned.

"No please don't…" he whispered in fear, no longer sullen but merely frightened. "Please."

"Ok, hey its alright, not until you're ready," Emily assured him and his blue eyes relaxed somewhat.

They floated around the pool for a bit Emily supporting him and getting him to kick a little just to get a feel for the water as something fun and not terrifying. He relaxed quite a bit and Emily was finally about to try and stop supporting him again when movement out of the corner of her eye caught her attention.

The youngest girl in Rick's group had wandered too far to the edge of the step and she toppled in before anyone could stop her. Emily was seconds away from scooping up the boy laying in front of her so she could hurry to the other side of the pool.

Rick had finally turned around and noticed what was happening just as Emily started towards the girl. But someone beat them both, one of the spectating adults fully clothed jumped straight in after the little girl and scooped her up. The water was only waist deep for the woman but it splashed into her face when she dove in, the other kids all skittered back from the ledge in fear.

Holding the little girl to her the woman turned around looking like a drowned rat with her makeup running and her blonde hair sticking to her face, she looked a little familiar as Emily neared them and the woman became more recognizable. Emily almost died - this blonde wasn't just familiar she was someone Emily would never be able to forget.

Alison.

Standing not ten feet away with a little girl frantically climbing up her, sopping wet and trying to calm the distressed child was Alison DiLaurentis.

Emily and the boy floated closer as Rick tried to explain himself.

"I'm so sorry," Rick apologized but Alison was ignoring him in favour of the little girl.

"Hey, shh, you're alright," Alison cooed in a tone that Emily had never heard her use.

"Is she ok?" Emily asked gently, still shaken from seeing Alison of all people.

The blonde turned at Emily's question and her startled glance revealed her brilliant blue eyes that flashed with shock and confusion before a mask settled over Alison's face.

"She's fine just a little shaken up," Alison assured the brunette though something about her demeanour told Emily this wasn't a planned meeting and the blonde was just as shocked to see Emily.

Alison's shock quickly morphed into rage as she turned on Rick and Emily could see where this was all going.

"Is this what you're paid to do? Mess around on your phone while children are in danger," Alison glared at Rick murderously and Emily could tell Alison was holding back her choice words for the incompetent jerk.

"She just slipped in," Rick cried pathetically.

"I-"

Emily interceded before Alison could really get started, no doubt that whatever the blonde added next would not be suitable for the young audience around them.

"Rick you're fired," Emily threw in easily.

Rick puffed up like an angry blow fish.

"You can't-"

Emily held up her hand dismissively and caught Alison's almost impressed side smile as Rick fell quiet.

"I don't care you're on your phone every two seconds and you were supposed to be watching so this didn't happen," Emily stressed her tone breaching no room for argument. "I'm taking the rest of your class. Get out."

Rick grumbled but got out of the pool. Alison watched him go holding the little girl to her tightly. The other parents made room for him and all glared as he left.

"I'm so sorry about that," Emily apologized as professionally as she could, turning back to Alison and the little girl clinging to the blonde. "Safety is our top priority here and-"

"Thank you, Emily, I don't blame you," Alison tried to smile but it didn't quite reach her brilliant blue eyes. Emily felt her heart sink a little as she realized that she had been waiting to hear those words, but not in that context.

The little girl in her arms shivered and Emily got a good look at another set of blue eyes that shone innocently up at her.

"Is she… is she yours?" Emily gulped wishing she hadn't even asked.

"She's with me and I'm responsible for her if thats what you're asking," Alison's eyes were a steely blue and Emily was well aware she had overstepped a boundary.

The little boy floating in the pool between them picked up on the tension.

"Is this punk giving you trouble, Ali," the boy in Emily's arms glared up at her. "I'm not afraid to hit an adult."

Emily briefly thought about dropping her hands away and letting the little brat sink to the bottom but she knew better than anyone the fear of potentially drowning. The urge to take in lungfuls of air in a panic and she would never wish to inflict that pain onto someone else, let alone a child.

Alison sighed.

"Joshua we talked about this," Alison lectured sounding for all the world like a parent. "And what did we say?"

"Violence is never the answer," Joshua dutifully recited still scowling up at Emily.

"Yes and threatening violence is also not a solution, right?" Alison smiled at the boy and he smiled back in spite of himself.

Emily felt like she had just entered the twilight zone.

"Emily this is Joshua," Alison introduced.

Emily nodded down at the boy she was holding up.

"Emily," the little girl in Alison's arms smiled wide. She had the cutest little dimples and she couldn't have been more than four. "Like Princess Emily from the story."

"Story?" Emily was bewildered.

"Ali tells this story, really good-"

"Well, Rory," Alison corrected gently almost laughing when the tiny brunette titled her head in confusion. "I tell the story really _well_."

The little girl nodded.

"Ali tells the story really _well_ its about Princess Emily and Princess Alison and they're the best best friends ever," Rory happily gushed.

"Right," Emily nodded to appease Rory, though she hadn't the faintest idea what the hell was going on.

Alison blushed faintly and coughed.

"I should probably change," the blonde muttered.

Emily's eyes took in Alison's soaked dress and she nodded unable to find words. The wet dress clung to her curves and Emily was met with the sight of Alison's matured body. When Emily's eyes finally tracked back up to the blonde's face Alison was smirking at her. Well and truly caught Emily looked away.

Alison hopped out of the pool taking Rory with her and Emily watched them go her mind a jumbled mess of desire, regret and a nagging feeling she couldn't quite shake though she certainly didn't want to name it.

"Are we gonna swim or what?" Joshua demanded.

Emily looked down at him having forgotten where she was and nodded floating him back to the others on the step.

"Alright, everyone from Rick's group lets get you over here," Emily called moving the children into her lane. "Now whose next?"

* * *

Class was finally over, double the kids meant double the work but no one else drowned and the kids were happily returned to their parents, Emily hung back in the pool collecting the rings and other assorted pool toys she'd used, trying to not look like she was searching the crowd for Alison.

The blonde hadn't returned to the pool and neither had the little girl in her company, Emily was almost certain she would never see Alison again and part of her was relieved.

"She's coming right?" a small voice timidly asked.

Emily looked over to the side of the pool to see Joshua wrapped in a towel with a small brunette girl from Brad's class next to him. He tenderly ruffled the girl's hair with another towel smiling at her affectionately, Emily was amazed that this was the same boy that had threatened her earlier.

"Course she is, Izzy," Joshua assured the girl.

When he draped the towel over her shoulders Emily got a good look at them beaming at each other. They were very obviously siblings and Joshua carefully held out his little sister's glasses for her, smiling when she put them on.

Joshua caught Emily staring and his happy smile fell his blue eyes hardening into a distrusting glare as he turned his little sister away from Emily.

"Are you two ok?" Emily asked as she wadded over to the edge of the pool.

"We're fine," Joshua snapped.

"We're waiting for, Ali," Izzy added politely, her blue eyes examining Emily curiously.

Joshua scowled at his sister obviously not wanting her to share with Emily.

"Sorry, sorry," Alison frantically called as she hurried over to the other two, Rory perched on her hip.

The blonde set Rory down with the other two and as the three children stood together Emily could see the family resemblance stunning blue eyes several shades lighter than Alison's and dark hair. They certainly weren't Ali's children and Emily was reluctant to admit the knowledge made her happy.

"We need to get you three changed and-"

"Ali," Emily called out to the frantic blonde.

Alison looked down into the pool blinking as though she'd only just realized Emily was still there. Her face settled into a passive expression though, that neutral indifference that Emily was used to seeing directed at those Alison considered beneath herself.

"Yes?" Alison questioned with no bite but obvious hesitancy.

"Rory missed the rest of class," Emily noted.

Alison nodded.

"It was my fault, it took me a while to find clothes," Alison answered easily. Too easily to not be a lie, Emily observed.

"She needs to get back in the pool," Emily continued choosing to ignore Alison's slip.

"She's a little shaken up Emily she almost drowned," Alison answered sharply, her fierce protective instincts for these kids were easily triggered it seemed and that bitchy temper was still very present.

"We try not to use the d word around here," Emily smiled warmly at Rory in the face of Alison's rage. "But Rory had a scare yes and the sooner she gets back in the better it will be next time."

"I don't want to," Rory muttered clinging to Alison's jeans and burying her head into Ali's thigh.

Alison's hand automatically fell to Rory's dark hair, with practised ease she raked her fingers through the child's locks soothingly. They spent a lot of time together, Emily would venture.

"I can understand that," Emily agreed. "But Rory I really think you should give the pool another try."

Emily looked to Alison imploringly as Rory just shied away from the brunette.

"For me, Rory?" Alison asked gently.

Rory's blue eyes stared up at Alison, trying to gage how serious the blonde was.

"Will you come?" Rory asked her bottom lip quivering.

"I just got dressed, Ror," Alison muttered sighing as the puppy dog pout was in full force.

"I'll tell you what," Alison crouched down to be eye level with Rory. "You go for a little swim with Em and we'll get double chocolate sundaes on the way home."

Emily tried to contain the little jolt that shot through her at Alison using her usual nickname, it had been a long time since she'd heard it fall from the blonde's lips.

"With sprinkles?" Rory questioned as though it were a million dollar business deal.

"You drive a hard bargain, missy," Alison tapped her chin in deep thought. "Alright. Deal."

They shook on it and Emily watched the exchange once again wondering who this woman was and what she had done with the Alison DiLaurentis Emily knew.

"I'm scared, Ali," Rory admitted staring at Emily and the pool apprehensively.

"I know, Ror," Alison turned the little girl to face her once more. "But you're also brave like your big brother and sister right."

Rory looked over to Joshua and Izzy who both smiled encouragingly. Rory nodded to Alison still uncertain and the blonde switched up her tactics. Emily watched the whole exchange puzzled and oddly moved.

"You know Princess Emily from the story," Alison reminded the little girl and Rory nodded. "That's Em."

Alison nodded her head at Emily who couldn't stop herself from flushing as Alison winked at her cheekily.

"She becomes a mermaid in water, right," Alison shared in an exaggerated whisper, giggling when Rory's eyes grew wide. "Haven't you always wanted to swim with a mermaid?"

Rory nodded enthusiastically.

"So we got time for a little dip?" Emily asked from the water, though part of her longed to hear this Princess story.

Alison turned Rory to the pool and nodded subtly to Emily, the blonde's eyes narrowed for a moment and it took Emily a second to recognize the look. It was one she had seen from several parents since she started teaching at the swimming school it roughly translated to 'Hurt my kid and I'll kill you'. Alison's held the extra promise, 'they'll never find the body'.

Emily smiled back warmly and helped Rory climb down the ladder, instead of floating the girl on her back Emily scooped Rory into her arms and held her above the water.

"It's not so bad right?" Emily asked.

Rory nodded but didn't take her eyes off the water below. Emily bent her knees slightly and slowly lowered both of them into the water. Rory squirmed but didn't offer any more complaints.

"So what kind of sprinkles are you gonna get?" Emily asked conversationally.

Rory looked up to Emily, studying the woman.

"Rainbow," she answered as though the question was absurd.

"That's my favourite flavour too," Emily cheekily snuck a peek at Alison, the blonde was trying to smother her amused grin but Emily caught it.

Deciding Emily was obviously trustworthy for her love of the only acceptable type of sprinkles, Rory relaxed.

"Are you really a mermaid?" she asked from Emily's arms as they slipped lower in the water.

"Yep," Emily whispered conspiratorially. "But its a secret, Ali must think you're pretty special to share that with you."

Rory giggled happily and didn't even notice till the water was up to their chins. She panicked a bit kicking and trying to climb higher up Emily.

"Its just water see perfectly fine," Emily soothed the little brunette and Rory settled. "Want to try floating?"

Rory nodded a little unsure but still grinning.

* * *

After a half hour lesson with Rory Emily was finally satisfied that the little girl wasn't petrified of the water, her little adventure in drowning all but forgotten. Emily helped the girl out and then climbed up onto the ledge after her.

Alison wrapped a towel around Rory with a flourish.

"You did good, Ror," Alison praised, the little girl beamed up at her and Alison smiled back.

Emily felt like she was watching something sacred.

"Fields," Emily's boss Mr Hughes, a pudgy balding man, barked, breaking the moment. "Did you _fire_ Rick this afternoon?"

"Yes sir," Emily nodded at him.

"And what gives you the right to just fire-"

"Excuse me, if I may," Alison cut in sharply, not waiting for permission. "Miss Fields here handled your unprofessional, incompetent employee with skill given I was about ten seconds away from throttling him."

She smiled serenely through the whole exchange but there was no doubt Alison DiLaurentis' claws were well and truly out.

"We had a slight misunderstanding on safety," Emily added.

Mr Hughes looked between the two of them exasperated.

"Well then," he huffed. "Get your ass home, Fields, your shift ended half an hour ago. I'm not paying you overtime to impress hot moms."

Emily rolled eyes at the rude man and watched him storm off.

"I'm sorry about that," Emily muttered.

Alison studied her for a long moment.

"You're not getting paid for that extra half hour," she questioned.

"Don't sweat it," Emily smiled. "I usually stay back to do laps anyway this time I just had some company."

"Really Emily you should let me-"

"Honestly its fine, consider it an old friends discount."

Alison didn't return Emily's smile but instead turned back to the children.

"So you're babysitting?" Emily asked, not wanting this conversation to be over.

"No," Alison responded the kids shuffled on their feet looking at the floor and Emily couldn't help but feel like there was something she was missing.

Was Alison the live in nanny? A new stepmother perhaps, Emily could see that, Alison hooking up with some rich big wig and then being stuck with his boat load of kids from other marriages.

"We should probably go," Alison warmly turned to the kids brushing off Emily's confused stare.

"Well um enjoy your ice creams," Emily softly called. "Will I see you at the next class? Rory's welcome to join my class or Brad…"

Emily trailed off uncertain as Alison looked to the kids and they each shrugged.

"Maybe," Alison offered Emily a small but sincere smile. "Thank you, Emily."

"You're welcome, Alison," Emily smiled back.

The foursome scooped up their bags and headed for the exit, Rory swinging her hand that was laced with Alison's between them happily ranting about her sundae to come. Emily watched them go her heart beating a little faster and her mind a little more clouded.

* * *

Emily watched the clock intently. The heavy tick of the hands echoed around the quiet office.

"Have you spoken to Spencer recently?"

Emily nodded disinterestedly.

"You said last time she was very busy with law school and you didn't get to talk much," Doctor Fulham elaborated.

"Huh?" Emily muttered.

Doctor Fulham looked over her with a quizzical eye as he closed the notepad on his lap.

"Emily you've been very distracted this session," he observed.

"Sorry lots going on," Emily mumbled, uncomfortably reclined on the leather lounge.

"Do you want to share what that is, perhaps we can work through it together," Doctor Fulham prompted picking up his pen and opening his notepad expectantly.

"The usual. Spencer's busy, Hanna's having another fashion crisis and Aria keeps slipping back to Ezra thinking we won't notice," Emily grumbled, not bitter just exhausted.

"It is common to want for physical affections and companionship especially after what all of you have been through," the therapist gently reminded.

"That was years-three years ago," Emily argued.

Fulham was silent for a moment allowing Emily to get lost in her thoughts. She didn't judge Aria for seeking out Ezra, she completely understood it. Part of her could kind of admit she was maybe a little jealous too, Toby had followed Spencer to UPenn in Philadelphia, Caleb had headed to New York with Hanna and by some coincidence, or so Aria claimed, Ezra was teaching at Emory University in Georgia- a number one hot spot for budding writers. Every one of her friends had their high school sweetheart and though Paige and Emily tried to reconcile briefly Emily was much too affected by the dollhouse to be the person Paige loved, she would never be that Emily Fields again.

"Have you given any more thoughts to dating?" Fulham pressed.

"Red," Emily snapped.

Doctor Fulham sighed, capping his pen and placing it in his pocket.

"That system was designed to make you feel safe not for you to hide behind," he reminded his stubborn patient.

"Red," Emily's glare hardened on the withered man.

"Would you like to add anything else, Emily?" Doctor Fulham questioned.

Emily looked to the aging therapist, then back to the clock. Two minutes to go that was probably close enough.

"I saw Alison yesterday," Emily admitted as though commenting on the weather.

Doctor Fulham blinked in shock before he recovered.

"Emily that's… we need to discuss this further, let me," he shuffled over to his desk and picked up his phone. "Susan cancel my other appointments."

Emily stood suddenly.

"Oh no thats ok, look times up I gotta go," Emily spluttered out.

Doctor Fulham rounded on her bewildered.

"Emily this is a crucial and potentially very large speed bump in your recovery," he firmly told her, his gaze serious and defiant.

"Well as you can see I'm fine and I have to get to class," Emily cattily rejoined gesturing to her overflowing book bag.

"Can we reschedule a new session? I'd like to tackle this before next week. Did you talk to her? Where was this?" Doctor Fulham began scribbling on his notepad perched against his desk.

"We had a real nice chat, every things great now," Emily assured her therapist. "I gotta go."

Emily hiked her bag higher up her shoulder. Doctor Fulham tiredly rubbed his forehead.

"Emily," he intoned much like a disappointed parent. "I know when you're being sarcastic, please we need to talk about this."

"Great email me your notes," Emily called as she flew out the door.

* * *

Emily got back to her apartment late. Her flatmate Nicole, a recently graduated nurse was crashed out but Tessa, the pre sports med student, was up. Tessa and Emily had been roommates freshman year, both injured athletes turned medical students. Tessa was an aspiring soccer star before she'd been benched indefinitely by a terrible injury to her calf and Emily had never full recovered her rotary cuff for competitive swimming not to mention the other scars she had acquired.

Tessa had put up with more than anyone ever should have to as Emily's freshman dorm mate. Emily had awoken from more than her fair share of nightmares to Tessa wrapped around her trying to sooth her back to sleep. The girl even put up with having the door to their dorm left open at night, which was wildly unsafe but Emily couldn't find sleep otherwise in the tiny space. Tessa was a saint.

"Hey I thought you finished classes earlier tonight?" Tessa asked from the couch, her green eyes sparkling and her long red hair in a loose pony tail, she was settled in for the night Emily gathered.

Emily plunked down next to her flatmate exhausted emotionally and physically.

"I thought a run would clear my mind," Emily muttered closing her eyes.

"Didn't help huh?" Tessa softly soothed, her hands sliding naturally to Emily's neck as she started to work the tension from Emily's drained body.

"You know I love that you're a sports therapist," Emily groaned as Tessa worked out a particularly tense knot.

"In training," Tessa reminded Emily with a little laugh.

Emily's hand settled over Tessa's as the brunette opened her eyes and turned to face her friend.

"You're going to make an amazing therapist, Tes," Emily smiled brightly.

Tessa nodded blankly and Emily patted her hand turning away again.

"I'll still get massages for free though right," Emily teased.

Tessa was silent for a moment and then her hands were moving again.

"Of course," Tessa whispered and Emily let herself succumb to Tessa's talented hands.

They sat in comfortable silence as Tessa worked and Emily moaned her appreciation till Tessa started to dig into Emily's day as she usually did.

"So Fulham called?" Tessa conversationally started.

Emily groaned for an entirely different reason now.

"He said you skipped out on a pretty big revelation," Tessa continued ignoring Emily's sullen attitude.

"What happened to patient confidentiality," Emily grumbled irritably.

"Wanna talk about it?" Tessa asked.

Tessa removed her hands and sat back expectantly. Emily sighed and leaned against the back of the couch, her headache since leaving Fulham's office hadn't gone away at all.

"I saw Alison yesterday," Emily admitted softly.

"DiLaurentis?" Tessa tried to hide her surprise and shock.

Emily nodded wordlessly.

"Where? How?" Tessa jumped in immediately and then seemed to sense she was asking questions Emily didn't really want to answer as Emily slumped groaning. "Are you ok?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Emily sarcastically muttered, closing her eyes.

"Em," Tessa's strong hand wrapped around Emily's knee tightly. "You know I'm here for you, right? Whatever you need."

Emily wasn't as oblivious to her flatmate's attentions as others thought and for a brief moment she thought about what she could possible need from her gorgeous friend. She shook it off almost immediately. She couldn't do that to Tessa, sweet, naive, never-even-contemplated-being-into-girls Tessa. Emily subtly brushed the hand off her knee.

"Its fine, she was at swimming lessons," Emily grumbled sitting up.

"She doesn't know how to swim?" Tessa titled her head in confusion.

Emily chuckled, before her mind conjured the image of Alison in a bikini with that sultry smirk like the blonde was well aware her body was to die for. Emily cleared her throat shaking the image away.

"She can swim, she was there with these kids," Emily explained. "She's babysitting or something."

"Something? Like married with kids?" Tessa pushed.

Emily shrugged, gulping down the jealousy that boiled in her stomach at the thought of Alison being married with children, Alison in any relationship left a bitter taste in Emily's mouth.

"Well did you talk?" Tessa's voice cracked slightly at the question and Emily knew sooner rather than later she would have to deal with this crush.

"Not really, just a little it was really quick," Emily shifted uncomfortably she felt like she was defending herself, like she'd run into her ex-girlfriend and her current girlfriend was dissecting the whole conversation. Neither of which was true in this situation. Tessa wasn't her girlfriend and Alison wasn't her ex, not really.

"But you wanted to talk more," Tessa correctly filled in the gaps.

"I don't know," Emily muttered.

"Do you still," Tessa faltered and cleared her throat. "Are you still interested in her?"

Emily looked to her friend sadly, Tessa's green eyes were swirling with concern and fear.

"I don't know, Tes," Emily answered honestly with a heavy sigh. There was a moment of silence between them, and Tes couldn't bring herself to look Emily in the eye.

"Well I should get to bed," Tessa stood uncomfortably.

"Tes," Emily whined but the redhead was already halfway across the living room.

"Good night," Tessa muttered.

"Night," Emily whispered back as Tessa's bedroom door closed.

Emily picked up a cushion on the couch and pressed it into her face as she screamed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Warnings: Foul Language, PTSD.**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own Pretty Little Liars.**

Tessa dodged Emily for a day before things progressed back to normal, Ali all but forgotten or at least a consciously ignored topic. Emily didn't really want to talk about Alison to anyone, avoiding therapy wasn't hard and Fulham was more than used to pushing Emily too far and having her ignore his calls and emails for weeks on end. It had only been less than a week though and he was already being incredibly pushy, Emily knew she'd have to speak to him sooner or later or he would no doubt drag her parents into the mix which was not something she wanted to suffer through again. Pam Fields was in glorious denial about the ramifications A's endless schemes had inflicted upon her only daughter and Emily liked her mother oblivious she was too much of a meddler if she thought there was something seriously wrong.

So Emily would bite that bullet and sit through endless questions Fulham was no doubt creating around the reappearance of the Alison DiLaurentis, but Emily's priority now was surviving her next encounter with the blonde. Emily was conflicted about swimming classes on the one hand Alison could not show and then Emily could return to her life chaos free on the other hand, well she didn't really know what the other hand wanted. Either way the moment of truth had arrived.

"Looking good, Fields," Brad joked. "Did you do something different with your hair?"

Emily stood in the waist deep end of the pool and pated at her high ponytail self consciously.

"No I was just-," she caught Brad's teasing grin. "Shut up, Brad."

Brad laughed as he slipped off his shirt, his impressive abs revealed as he slid into the water.

"Its a bit cold, huh," he muttered stretching innocently.

Parents and nannies had started to arrive with their children and some women and men alike were not so subtly checking out Brad as he ducked under the water and resurfaced. He was an impressive specimen, Emily knew, a fit African American man with a crew cut who had every gender swooning. Surprisingly he was actually quite sweet and he was probably one of her closest friends in Cali. Which didn't say much given they only saw each other at classes twice a week.

"Shall we get this party started?" Brad asked wading to the edge of the pool where the class lists were.

"Let me guess," Emily muttered as she followed him. "Hughes didn't hire another instructor."

Brad smiled and nodded.

"We're splitting Rick's class across you, me and Sara," Brad explained flipping through the three lists. "Any preferences?"

Emily thought about it for a second.

"Got a Rory something, four or so?" Emily tried to question casually. "Her brother is in my class."

"Rory, Rory," Brad circled a name. "Rory Carter?"

"I guess so," Emily flipped through her own list. "Joshua Carter, yep thats her."

Emily's finger traced along Joshua's information, eleven years old, beginner, emergency contact Alison DiLaurentis.

"Brad," Emily called. "Have you got another Carter?"

Emily tried to think of the second little girl's name something with a L or a Y.

Brad flipped through his list.

"Isabella Carter?" Brad questioned. "Yeah she's in my class why?"

"Alison DiLaurentis the emergency contact?" Emily asked trying to keep the tremor out of her voice.

"Mhmm," Brad nodded.

"I'll take her too," Emily muttered. "The kid not the- just give me all the Carter siblings."

"Why?" Brad quirked an eyebrow studying Emily intently. "Shouldn't we-"

"Rory is the one that had an incident last week she'll feel safer with her brother and sister," Emily told herself that made sense she was doing it for the kid's wellbeing not for her own selfish need to know everything about Ali.

"Alright," Brad rearranged some names. "You have the three Carter kids, the age differences are all skewed anyway, Sara can have the rest."

"She's going to love that," Emily chuckled Sara was renowned for hating disorder as a huge OCD fanatic.

"Well she can bite my shiny black-"

"Excuse me."

Both Emily and Brad jumped. Emily's heart almost leapt out of her throat at the sight of Alison in another flowing sundress this one a light pink, Rory was on her hip and Isabella and Joshua flanked the blonde on either side.

"Alison hi," Emily smiled warmly but the blonde ignored her in favour of talking to Brad.

"Are you Brad?" Alison questioned the dark skinned man.

"Yes ma'am," Brad nodded.

"Excellent. Isabella says you're a great teacher so I was wondering if Rory could move into your class and-"

"Actually Miss.."

"DiLaurentis," both Emily and Alison answered.

Brad looked between them and opted to ignore the mounting tension.

"Miss DiLaurentis we've already reassigned Rory to Emily's class and we've moved Isabella over there too, we thought it might be beneficial for Rory to have her siblings with her," Brad smiled charmingly.

Alison smiled back but Emily could tell it was forced and Alison was scrambling for a way to refuse.

"Honest, Ali they'll be fine with me," Emily promised.

Alison eyes flashed dangerously at the use of her nickname and Emily felt herself shrink into the water a touch. Alison always could dominate with just a look but her eyes were more cold than angry. Emily was used to fire in those blue depths at least for those last couple of months where they'd done nothing but scream at each other. Now rather Alison seemed to have her walls firmly in place.

"Can I swim with Emily again?" Rory asked squirming in Alison's arms.

And the steely attitude melted as Alison turned a real smile on Rory.

"I thought you were scared," Alison teased poking the little girl softly. "Weren't you scared the whole car ride here?"

"Ali," Rory whined, giggling and squirming away from the tickling. "Not in front of the mermaid."

Rory glanced shyly at Emily and Alison's smile turned briefly to the brunette before it disappeared again.

"Mermaid?" Brad muttered, everyone ignored him.

Emily looked up to Alison with what she hoped was an encouraging smile and the blonde sighed setting Rory down.

"I'll be right over there," Alison promised pointing to the seating area. "Right there, ok?"

The kids nodded and Rory hugged Alison's waist tightly. Alison patted at the little girl's head fondly before twisting to cup Isabella's cheek for a moment.

"Be good. Do everything Emily tells you alright?" Alison stressed with a pointed look to Joshua who crossed his arms and glared at the water. The girls nodded obediently.

Josh apparently hadn't really agreed to Alison's rules because the second Alison was settled he was glaring at Emily rather than the pool. Emily, Brad and Sara called their classes and all the kids slipped into the water and stood on their usual steps.

Emily chose to ignore Joshua's glares and concentrated on her new group, she introduced herself to Isabella who shyly hid behind her big brother. Emily was beginning to think Isabella hadn't liked Brad's class so much as Alison had liked the kids being in Brad's class. She looked over to Alison who was intently watching them from her seat and Emily straightened up under the scrutiny.

"Alright guys is everyone having a good week?" Emily smiled at the little faces.

Most of them nodded and Josh crossed his arms angrily. Emily resisted rolling her eyes at the boy.

"So today we're going to do some simple paddling, we've got some floaty boards," Emily held up one of the little boards. "And we're going to practise kicking on the ledge and then work on the boards ok."

The class nodded, Joshua took a gulp of water and spat it out at the kid nearest him, Alex squealed and covered his face.

"Joshua," Emily called in warning and the boy's glare hardened.

Emily sighed as she watched him duck his head to get more water, evidently enjoying his new game.

"I wouldn't do that," Emily warned.

Joshua rolled his eyes and took another mouthful anyway.

"Not all the kids that get in here are _toilet trained_ , Joshua," Emily shared fighting a grin as the other kids laughed.

Joshua spat out his mouthful of water in disgust and Emily raised her eyebrows in amusement. Advantage Emily.

"So everyone grab the ledge and float on your stomach," Emily demonstrated holding the ledge and kicking out her legs. "And very gently we're going to kick."

The kids watched her cautiously till she settled back in front of them.

"Think you can handle that?" Emily smiled encouragingly.

A few nodded and they all turned around to hold the ledge. Rory gripped the ledge tightly as the other kids floated themselves.

"You ok Rory?" Emily asked softly wading over to the little girl.

Rory shook her head clutching the ledge fiercely, Emily caught sight of Alison starting to stand and held up her hand to calm the blonde. If Alison dashed over at the first signs of nerves Rory would have a hard time developing confidence in the water. The blonde reluctantly sank to her seat but watched Emily carefully.

"How about I hold your legs?" Emily gently suggested.

Rory looked to Emily unsure.

"Just give it a try," Emily encouraged, keeping one eye on the other kids.

Joshua was kicking up a storm further down the line.

"Joshua not so hard," Emily instructed and the boy backed off a little.

Rory nodded when Emily looked back to her and let her swimming teacher lift her legs to settle her above the surface.

"Now kick a bit," Emily instructed hovering her hands under Rory, she wasn't actually holding the kid up but Rory seemed to gain confidence from her presence. "There you go."

Rory smiled as she kicked and stayed afloat holding the ledge. Loud clapping cut through the area and Emily looked up to see Alison clapping and smiling proudly at the little girl.

"See Ali thinks you're a natural," Emily praised as Rory kept kicking and took her hand away to wave at Alison.

Without her hand to support her on the ledge Rory ducked under the water quickly, Emily pulled her straight back up and chuckled as Rory spluttered a little.

"Hands on the ledge," Emily reminded the little brunette.

Rory shook her head and managed a smile at Alison who was half way out of her seat.

"We're fine," Emily called to assure the blonde that all was indeed safe as she got Rory resettled on the ledge again.

Alison crossed her arms and breathed deeply.

"Keep kicking Rory, you're doing really well," Emily praised as she moved on to inspect the rest of the kids.

Joshua was back to doing his best impersonation of Michael Phelps kicking up a mountain of water.

"Whoa Joshua," Emily called but he couldn't hear over the churning waves the little guy was making.

Emily snagged his foot and pulled it up stopping him short.

"Dial it back a little, Tough Guy, its not a race," Emily instructed as she placed his foot back in the water.

Joshua glared at her harshly.

"Your face will freeze that way if you're not careful," Emily told him with a wiry grin.

"Oh yeah, is that what happened to your face," Joshua threw back in that snarky kid tone.

Emily opened her mouth to scold him just as Joshua kicked a wave of water right into the brunette's face, the class giggled as Emily stood in shock.

"Alright, I asked nicely," Emily started clenching her fists for a moment.

Alison stood from her seat and hurried over to the pool edge. Emily wanted to tell her they had rules, there was a thing called respect and Emily didn't care who this kid belonged to he needed to learn some manners, but nothing came out as Alison stared down at them.

Alison's blue eyes hardened and her eyebrows narrowed waiting impatiently as Emily stared dumb founded, Emily felt like she was fifteen all over again, small and voiceless. Alison decided Emily had become temporally mute and took matters into her own hands, just like she always did.

"Joshua Carter," Alison snarled, though it lacked her teenage bite. "Get out of the pool right now."

Emily watched speechless as Joshua slowly climbed out, very aware of how much trouble he was in with Alison. Emily didn't want him to get in too much trouble he was just playing, kind of, maybe.

"Ali, he was-"

"I won't have him disrespecting people," Alison warned Emily fiercely. "Its not something he should get away with just because you can't keep your students under control."

"Excuse me?" Emily bristled, the irony of Alison lecturing her on respect was not lost on brunette.

"He's been pushing you around all class and you've let him," Alison sighed.

"You haven't exactly made it easy glaring at me like a hawk," Emily snapped.

The kids around her shifted uncomfortably and Emily remembered where she was.

"When Joshua wants to participate productively he is more than welcome to rejoin the class," Emily professionally told Alison.

The blonde glared.

"I think he needs to sit this one out," Alison explained.

Emily nodded.

"But I-"

"You wanted to muck around and be disrespectful," Alison reminded the whiny boy. "You get to suffer the consequences."

Joshua sulked as he followed Alison back to her seat.

* * *

Josh sat out for the rest of class but the kids were improving and no one else made much of a fuss after Josh was banished, if nothing else it served as a good example of Emily's authority even if it was Alison who was the voice of discipline. Emily was still prickly about that, this was her class and she didn't appreciate the blonde blaming her for Joshua's bad behaviour.

When class was finally over Emily slipped out of the pool and checked her phone while she towelled off.

"Emily," a hesitant voice called and Emily looked up to see Sara Harvey one of the other swimming teachers smiling at her.

"Sara, how can I help you?" Emily settled her towel around her neck and tried to smile at the short haired blonde.

"I… I was wondering if maybe… you can totally say no… but we could get coffee sometime," Sara stammered. "Like a date."

Emily winced.

"Sara you're really nice but-"

"Thats ok, thanks anyway, bye," Sara squeaked out before she skittered away.

Emily watched her go feeling terrible.

"Heartbreaker," Brad whistled as he stepped up beside Emily. "Save some for us mere mortals."

"Shut up, Brad," Emily sighed. "I was really hoping she wasn't going to do that, its going to be weird now."

"Its only weird if you make it that way, she asked you out, you politely turned her down, we've all been there," Brad shared wisely. "Even you've been rejected, right Em?"

Emily rolled her eyes.

"And this is why I never share personal stuff at work-"

"Emily."

Emily tensed she was slowly getting used to hearing her name from this woman's lips, to have the same voice that haunted her dreams and nightmares thrust into her everyday was still disorientating.

"Alison," Emily politely acknowledged turning to face the blonde. "Come to critique the rest of my class?"

Emily smiled wide and fake and Alison's blue eyes turned steely.

"Actually I believe you're owed an apology," Alison admitted.

"Thats big of you," Emily scoffed, she wasn't even sure where all this hostility was coming from but something about Alison drove her quickly to the thin line between passion and anger, she didn't want to examine how or why.

"Em," Brad muttered in warning, he'd never heard Emily speak like this to anyone.

"Not from me," Alison ground out through gritted teeth.

Emily crossed her arms and waited, Alison looked to her side expectantly and sighed frustratedly when she found she was alone. She turned in a quick circle. Joshua was standing with his sisters by their bags waiting patiently for Ali to finish with their teacher, Rory waved at Ali not understanding what was going on at all.

"Joshua Carter we own up to our mistakes remember," Alison seethed.

Emily chuckled in disbelief at that. Joshua hung his head but didn't move.

"Don't make me count to three, Josh," Alison warned.

"Someones in trouble," Brad sniggered under his breath.

Emily elbowed the man in the ribs to shut him up and watched as Joshua stomped over to Alison stopping in front of Emily.

"What do you say?" Alison prompted.

Joshua looked to Emily sulkily and then seemed to gather himself more.

"I'm sorry I was disrespectful in class, Emily and I would like to rejoin," he recited, Alison cleared her throat gently as a prompt. "Please."

"Apology accepted Josh thank you," Emily smiled warmly at the boy. "Is there a reason you felt the need to misbehave?"

Alison titled her head obviously curious too as they both looked to the boy. Joshua shook his head looking to the ground.

"If class isn't interesting enough I'd like to know, we can-"

"Its fine," Joshua muttered, turning to Alison. "Can I go change?"

Alison studied him for a moment shocked by the quick change.

"Sure, your bag.."

Josh didn't wait for more instructions and scurried off. Alison sighed pained.

"He's at that age," Brad tried to placate the blonde.

"You mean it gets better?" Alison shook her head in pained amusement.

"Oh no, it gets much worse," Brad laughed.

Alison chuckled and smiled at Brad, Emily decided she didn't like what was happening here at all, she cleared her throat loudly.

"If that's all Miss DiLaurentis I need to get back to work," Emily threw a pointed look to Rory and Isabella who were still waiting on the blonde. "I'm sure you know what thats like."

"They are _not_ a job," Alison muttered darkly.

Emily felt somewhat bad for goading the blonde until a reveal but at least that ruled out nanny and Alison had already said she wasn't the babysitter. Emily tried to tell herself it wasn't creepy to want to know how these kids were connected to Alison.

"You heading to the cafe?" Brad asked.

"Shift starts in twenty," Emily nodded.

"Can I hitch a ride?" Brad pleaded pouting at her.

"If you hurry," Emily groaned. "I'm leaving in ten."

"Yes ma'am," Brad saluted, he turned to the blonde. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Miss DiLaurentis."

"Call me Ali please," Alison smiled back at the charming man.

Emily's heart clenched painfully.

"Well, _Ali_ ," Brad grinned. "I hope to see you and the kids at class next week."

"Maybe," Alison responded coyly.

Brad stared at Alison in awe for a moment and Emily snapped her fingers in his face.

"Go change, Casanova," Emily grumbled pointing towards the change rooms.

Brad nodded and followed Emily's prompting shuffling away a bit.

"When I marry this woman you're going to tell this story at our wedding, Em," Brad cried.

"Don't bet on it," Emily muttered under her breath.

Alison laughed.

"Thats mighty presumptuous," Alison quipped. "Who says I'm a free woman?"

Emily's eyes widened as she looked back to the smirking blonde.

"No man will deter me," Brad proclaimed holding a hand to his heart.

Alison stepped up to the flirty man and just loud enough for Brad and Emily to hear she gave her reply.

"Who says its a man?" Alison winked.

Brad laughed loudly.

"I'm in love, Em," Brad announced.

"Great, go be in love in the change rooms or I'm leaving your butt here," Emily hissed.

That seemed to snap Brad out of his lustful haze and he rushed to the change rooms. Emily shook her head exasperated at the overgrown child.

"Emily."

Emily didn't want to turn around, didn't want to see the blonde anymore but her feet betrayed her. Alison gave her a small hesitant smile.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier," the blonde admitted. "Joshua can be a handful but I shouldn't have taken that out on you."

"Thank you," Emily uttered, a little stunned that Alison was apologizing. "I really have to go."

"Right of course," Alison nodded and turned back to the girls waiting for her.

"Will I see you next week?" Emily asked before she could stop herself.

Alison spun on her heel.

"Maybe," she quirked an eyebrow but didn't smile and Emily's stomach coiled in a familiar dance of desire. Fuck.


	5. Chapter 5

**Warnings: Foul Language, PTSD.**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own Pretty Little Liars.**

Emily rolled over as her phone vibrated violently on the bedside table near her head. She grappled for it blindly still half asleep until she finally got a good grasp and pulled it to her. It continued to vibrate and she held it away from her face, reading the bright caller id screen. Hanna. Fuck. At least it wasn't Fulham.

"Decline," Emily muttered to herself pressing the button, but her finger slipped and accepted the call instead.

"Emily!" Hanna screeched.

"Fuck," Emily groaned.

"I can hear you, moron," Hanna yelled from the tiny phone speaker.

"Go away," Emily muttered pathetically, throwing an arm over her eyes.

"Is that anyway to talk to your oldest and dearest friend," Hanna cackled.

"I'm sleeping," Emily mumbled.

"Its four in the afternoon," Hanna noted. "Why are you in bed?"

"I've had a long week, Han, lay off," Emily pulled the phone to her ear so she could hear Hanna better as the blonde chuckled.

"Long how?"

"Drawn out," Emily duly responded.

"Em," Hanna turned serious. "Are the nightmares-"

"What did you call for, Hanna?" Emily interrupted not wanting to get into nightmares with Hanna.

Hanna sighed.

"Your mom's worried," Hanna muttered. "And when she's worried-"

"She calls you," Emily grumbled, familiar with the routine.

"Actually she called Spencer and Spence told Toby and Toby-"

"Got dude-bro Caleb to tell you," Emily sighed it was like playing Chinese whispers with her friends and family, no one let her go more than a week before the whole army would be calling. "Did you draw the short straw?"

"Hardly," Hanna argued. "You know you're my business, Em, always."

"I know," Emily grumbled and she kind of loved Hanna for it, even though she felt smothered sometimes it was nice to know someone was in her corner, though she doubted Hanna would be much help in her latest problem.

"So whats with the funk, anything new?" Hanna queried.

"Nope," Emily sighed rubbing at her tired eyes, she still needed to write that paper for bio.

"No girls?" Hanna slyly questioned.

"No, no new girls," Emily answered truthfully, Alison wasn't new technically.

"How about old girls?" Hanna asked and Emily could hear her smirk.

Emily swallowed thickly, Hanna couldn't know, it wasn't possible.

"Like your roommate Theresa?" Hanna concluded sounding smug.

"Tessa," Emily corrected, breathing a little easier. "And she's just a friend, Han."

"A hot friend," Hanna playfully reminded Emily, she could almost see Hanna wiggling her eyebrows ridiculously. "I've stalked her Facebook."

"I'm hanging up now," Emily muttered.

"No wait don't you want to hear my news?" Hanna whined.

"Sure," Emily yawned. "Hit me."

"My newest piece got picked for the show on Friday, the fashion exhibit," Hanna squealed excitedly.

"Thats awesome, Han," Emily smiled she was incredibly proud of Hanna getting into fashion school and on a scholarship no less. "I knew you'd get in the show."

"Course you did," Hanna muttered affectionately. "I wish you could come, Em."

"Me too," Emily sighed. "Make sure Caleb takes a million pictures alright."

"He will Em and when we Skype next week I'll tell you about each one," Hanna clapped a little excited.

"Can't wait," Emily grinned.

"I knew that would get you smiling," Hanna cheered into the phone. "I've got a workshop in twenty but stay in touch alright."

"I will, bye Hanna," Emily recited.

"Bye, Em and call your mom!" Hanna yelled as she hung up.

Emily grumbled and fiddled with her phone till she found the right contact, Pam answered on one ring.

"Hi, mom," Emily started preparing herself for an hour long rant. "Yes I just talked to Hanna."

* * *

Emily slipped into the water slowly it had been a torturous week, filled with tests and assignment deadlines she loathed organic chemistry but you didn't get into med school without the prerequisites. Calculus was the worst though, but she had cleared that in her second year thank god.

"Hows my favourite class?" Emily smiled at her students as they all joined her in the water.

"Alex how was that skateboarding competition?" Emily asked the little boy, Alex grinned and held up his scratched up knee proudly displaying his new scab. "Impressive. I hope you had a helmet on."

"How about you, Rachel?" Emily turned to the little Indian girl. "Hows your week been? Any battle scars?"

Rachel shook her head with a little smile.

"Joshua how have you been?" Emily smiled brightly at the boy.

He crossed his arms and didn't open his mouth.

"Glad to hear it," Emily nodded and moved onto a couple of the other kids.

When everyone had shared what they had done with their week Emily moved onto the lesson.

"We're going to start with paddle boards today," Emily told the kids getting a couple of excited whoops, they were finally progressing to swimming rather than holding the wall and practising techniques. "Isabella how about we start with you."

Isabella hardly ever made a sound, she was more shy and nervous than her siblings and not sullen like Joshua just anxious. Emily hoped to coerce her out of her shell, she looked to Alison sitting in her usual spot watching them intently and Emily threw her a little wave which Ali didn't return until Rory caught sight of the blonde and waved too. Alison smiled and waved to Rory and then directed the youngest Carter sibling to pay attention to the lesson. Isabella stepped forward as Emily called on her.

"Alright get a good grip," Emily instructed as she held the board and Isabella lay herself down on top. "Now kick."

Isabella gave a few experimental kicks and slowly glided through the water, she giggled a little shocked.

"There you go, alright we're gonna head to the other end and back, what do you think?" Emily asked Izzy.

The little girl nodded and Emily moved along beside the girl as she kicked and the board propelled forward.

"Remember your arms are for steering," Emily corrected as she grabbed the board and stopped the girl from crashing into the lane divider.

"You're doing great," Emily praised as they reached the deep end.

Isabella slid off the board and onto one of the many sunken bright orange boxes the swim school had as steps all throughout their lanes. It made it easier for the kids to stop swimming if they needed to, the deep end was covered in them to make it the same depth as the swallow end, with several stacked to provide another platform. It meant Emily, Brad and Sara could easily walk along side their charges without treading water the whole way.

"Ready to head back?" Emily asked as Isabella caught her breath, Emily looked back to make sure the others were being safe and she counted seven kids on the step all waiting patiently. Alison had not so subtly moved several seats closer to the kids and was pulling funny faces at Rory, Emily smiled watching the two. "What do your parents think of Ali?"

Emily looked to Isabella who shrugged and tried to get the board to stay still, Emily grasped for it but Isabella moved it.

"I want to do it," she said simply and Emily backed away.

Eventually Izzy got her board to cooperate and they headed back to the others.

"Alright everyone got a board lets have four of you down this end and four of you over here and we'll swap sides," Emily directed as everyone took a board.

Emily stood in the middle of the lane as they moved around her sometime later, trying to keep an eye on eight kids at once when they were all moving wasn't easy but she managed. The difference between eight and six was quite startling. Rory glided past and tipped slightly, Emily scooped her up as Alex came barreling up behind her and pulled them both out of the way as Alex splashed past.

"You alright?" Emily asked Rory who nodded itching to get back on her board. "Wait a moment we need to find a good break."

Emily watched another swimmer pass her.

"So does your Dad mind Ali bringing you to swimming?" Emily tried to ask casually.

"Dad isn't around anymore," Rory ducked her head.

Emily instantly felt horrible for using this child to sedate her curiosity of this new Alison. But that at least ruled out step mother.

"Mommy says Ali's our angel," Rory gushed with a smile.

Unless Ali had hooked up with an older woman with kids. Step mother wasn't exclusive to a straight relationship. Had Ali found herself some rich sugar mama with a pack of rug-rats?

"There," Rory squealed as a gap opened up.

Emily lay Rory back down on her board and gave the girl a little push to start her off.

"Boards already?" Brad asked over the lane divider.

"What can I say I'm an excellent teacher," Emily quipped with a smug grin.

"Care to put your money where your mouth is?" Brad challenged.

"Shouldn't you be teaching?" Emily muttered.

"This is a vital life lesson how to get a fool to part with her fortune," Brad smirked.

"I never said I had money to bet," Emily shook her head.

"Oh I don't want your money, Fields," Brad sniggered.

"Why do I get the feeling this is a setup?"

"Because you're a smart woman," Brad praised.

"What do you want then?"

"A date with your blonde friend."

"She's not really my friend," Emily muttered.

"But you know her, you can put in a good word for me."

"You really don't want me to do that."

"Why is she secretly a psychopath?"

"No," Emily moved away. "I have to get back to work."

"Em I was joking-"

"I'm working, Brad, you should be too," Emily snapped.

She didn't wait to hear the rest of what he had to say and concentrated on her class for the rest of their time. Once the kids were returned to their parents Emily set about pulling out the blocks in the lane, swimming classes done for the day. Brad joined her on the other side of the divider.

"I was just playing, Em, you know I would never actually bet women like that," Brad admitted. "I'm sorry if I offended you."

"You didn't offend me," Emily mumbled unconvincingly.

"Yeah I did, my bad, I won't say shit like that again," Brad smiled a little hopefully at her.

Emily nodded and gave a small smile in return. He was a good guy and it wasn't his fault he had eyes and could see how beautiful Ali was.

"She's probably with someone anyway right," Brad mused.

And that was the million dollar question and it annoyed Emily how much she actually cared. Emily looked back to see Ali ruffling Joshua's hair as he tried to duck under her hand, Izzy was holding on to the blonde's dress and Rory was pulling Alison's other hand to the change rooms, she looked like their mother. Emily felt her heart clench painfully at the sight.

* * *

Emily was finally getting a good pace going as she sprinted along College Ave on the Berkeley campus, her classes and labs were so spaced out time wise sometimes it just made more sense to take her running gear and get in an early morning jog. She had a preferred route around campus, nice even pavement, not too much foot traffic or cyclists and a good playlist made for the perfect run.

Emily screeched to a halt on College Ave there was a barrier set up across the whole street blocking the area for construction the sign read. It wasn't even seven in the morning yet and Emily couldn't see any work going on but better to be safe than flattened so she turned off College Ave and onto one of the side streets intent to head round the block sooner than usual.

She headed past the deans office and another barrier directed her up another side street were there were more people milling about for the day. She'd never been down this way it was more humanities and social sciences, a couple of cafes, Emily was on the North side of campus in the science labs. She was so busy checking out the different architectural designs around this area she wasn't looking where she was going and ran straight into another person.

"Ahh," the woman cried startled as her coffee split all over her blouse.

Emily bounced back from the collision and managed to keep them both on their feet holding the soaking woman tightly by her arms, all Emily could see was the giant coffee stain soaking into the woman's lovely peach blouse. God she was such a clutz.

"I am so sorry," Emily muttered letting go of the woman, stopping her music and grabbing some napkins from the nearest table. "I will pay for the dry cleaning and I can get you another coffee…"

Emily trailed off as she got a good look at the woman whose day she had most likely just ruined.

"You have got to be kidding me," Emily groaned before she could stop herself.

"I think," Alison grumbled taking the napkins from Emily and dabbing at her chest. "Thats my line."

"Alison I am so so sorry," Emily begged the blonde to understand. "I didn't even know you studied here."

"Why would you know where I studied at all?" Alison questioned rolling her eyes. "Accidents happen."

"At least let me buy you a coffee, please," Emily offered.

"Thank you but no," Alison smiled politely and side stepped the brunette. "I need to get to class."

"I go here too," Emily supplied unprompted, she rubbed her neck self-consciously when Alison just stared at her. "I study premed."

"Good for you," Alison snarked. "Goodbye, Emily."

"Wait I could get you a coffee some other time, maybe," Emily smiled a little hopeful.

"That's not a good idea," Alison muttered turning on her heel.

Emily watched her leave slightly confused and incredibly disappointed. Her phone rang not long after and she answered it immediately.

"I can do later today," Emily muttered her head throbbing painfully. "Please."

* * *

"I must say I'm surprised you answered my call, Emily," Doctor Fulham noted as he reclined in his leather chair. "Given how resistant you've been to the others."

Emily lay on the couch lost in her thoughts.

"Emily?" Fulham prompted and the brunette finally looked to the elderly doctor. "Would you like to share what's happened the last few weeks?"

"Alison goes to Berkeley," Emily uttered softly, it was the one thought that had run through her mind all day, through every class and her tedious bio lab.

Alison attended Berkeley and Emily hadn't known. How long had they gone to the same university, what was Alison studying, was she full time, did she like the campus, was she making friends, did anyone know who she was, was she under Alison DiLaurentis in the school register, was she living on campus, had she had as awful freshman year as Emily, did she have a casual job, what did she want to do with her degree? Emily wanted to know everything and it scared her just how badly she wanted to know.

"Is that where you ran into Alison, on campus?" Fulham questioned, scribbling in his notebook.

"No," Emily admitted. "She was at swimming lessons, the class I teach."

"Isn't that class for children?" Fulham stopped scribbling and peered at her.

Emily nodded.

"There's these kids, three of them, Alison brings them to class."

"So she's babysitting-"

"No," Emily muttered. "She said she wasn't babysitting and they don't treat her like a babysitter, she parents them, kind of…"

Fulham waited quietly for her to continue.

"I just don't understand," Emily muttered sadly. "Why is she here of all places?"

"Perhaps she moved away from Rosewood for the same reasons you did," Fulham suggested.

Emily clenched her fists at the mention of that god forsaken town. If she never heard of Rosewood ever again it would be too soon.

"She wasn't… she didn't go through what we went through," Emily gulped trying to keep the bile down, even just thoughts of the dollhouse made her want to throw up.

"No but she experienced traumatic things too," Fulham reminded Emily gently. "Pain and suffering are not comparable across individuals, Emily, especially ones who have experienced different triggers."

Emily nodded, she understood that, she did. And if anyone else deserved to get out of Rosewood it was Alison. But that didn't mean the blonde had to relocate to California and attend Berkeley and bring her kids into Emily's swimming class.

"Have you managed to talk to her much?" Fulham asked calmly.

"A little, she's not exactly interested in conversation," Emily muttered. "I split coffee on her today and she wouldn't let me buy her a replacement, said she had to get to class."

"She probably did need to go to class," Fulham suggested. "Do you think she lied to you?"

"No," Emily shook her head. "I think she just doesn't want anything to do with me."

It stung to say it out loud, to admit the possibility that Alison was not only done with Emily but that she would rather never see the brunette again. Emily was conflicted on the one hand she was content to never see Alison again either but now, having seen her, watching her with those kids, it wouldn't be as easy to walk away and forget. Not that it was easy the first time.

"I think this could be an excellent opportunity, Emily," Fulham shared. "If you and Alison can find some closure I think it will really help your recovery."

"She doesn't want to have coffee I doubt she'll come to a therapy session," Emily scoffed.

Fulham waved a hand at her.

"You just need to talk, especially about that night," Fulham stressed, Emily closed her eyes slowly she hated thinking about that night. "Emily are you still listening?"

Emily nodded slowly but refused to open her eyes, Fulham sighed and she could hear him taking more notes.

"Do you think that would help you?" Fulham asked.

Emily shrugged, she could see Alison exploding into an uber bitch if Emily brought up anything to do with the months following the dollhouse escape. There were no happy memories for either of them in those months.

"Maybe if you find closure we can work past whats holding you back from forming new relationships in your life," Fulham capped his pen as Emily opened her eyes.

"New relationships?"

"Dating," Fulham clarified with a wry grin.

Emily rolled her eyes.

"I don't need help with dating," she muttered.

"You haven't been in a relationship since Alison," Fulham pointed out.

"I wasn't _in_ a relationship with Alison," Emily fumed, crossing her arms.

Fulham ignored her outburst.

"Regardless you're still holding onto that hurt," Fulham calmly explained.

"I'm not wallowing over Alison," Emily grumbled. "Not dating people has nothing to do with her, thats about me."

Fulham uncapped his pen and scribbled quickly.

"I needed a break from relationships and other peoples' drama," Emily sighed rubbing at her forehead as another headache started. "I just need space to fix myself and I'm still working on that."

"And thats very admirable, Emily," Fulham praised. "But affection and intimacy are not prizes you let yourself have, its not a reward system, its about balance and healthy choices."

Emily didn't comment further instead she mulled over his words in silence.

"When's the last time you had a casual hookup?" Fulham asked casually.

She was less taken back than the first time this elderly doctor had mentioned sex and casual encounters, her upbringing included respecting your elders and had not prepared her for a therapist who was candid about sex and intimacy. She'd turned bright red the first time and wouldn't speak for the rest of the hour.

"I haven't," Emily admitted and it wasn't from lack of trying. "Every time I get.. intimate.. something holds me back."

Fulham was scribbling like mad and he didn't look up from his page when Emily fell silent.

"Do you know whats holding you back?"

Emily nodded.

"Can you tell me?" Fulham gently asked, his kind grey eyes meeting Emily's sad brown.

"I see her," Emily whispered softly.

"Who?" Fulham pushed though they both knew who.

"Alison," Emily gulped, closing her eyes to try and clear her unshed tears.

"Emily," Fulham directed softly. "Do you see Alison in the other woman?"

Emily shook her head and sniffled.

"No," she clarified. "I see Alison on her knees."

Fulham remained quiet and Emily opened her eyes to wipe at her cheeks, the therapist held out a tissue box and Emily took one gratefully blowing her clogged nose. Fulham waited patiently.

"When you see Alison," Fulham started when Emily had resettled. "Does she say anything? Do anything?"

 _"This is what you want right? To use me!"_

Emily blinked away the memory, it had been a long time since those slipped into her day, they were strictly for her nightmares.

"No," Emily lied.

Fulham sighed disappointed and looked to the clock.

"Well looks like times up," Fulham nodded. "I hope this helped a bit."

Emily nodded and sat up slowly incredibly drained she reached for her book bag and stood.

"Emily, just quickly," Fulham called when she was halfway to the door. "How does it make you feel seeing Alison on her knees?"

Fulham's face was devoid of judgement but Emily still felt like she was under an intense spotlight, she took a deep breath and thought through all the feelings Alison on her knees inspired.

"Wrong," Emily uttered softly. "It makes me feel wrong."

"Thank you, Emily, I'll see you next week," Fulham smiled politely and Emily slipped from the office quietly her thoughts at war with themselves.


	6. Chapter 6

**Warnings: Foul Language, PTSD.**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own Pretty Little Liars.**

Emily didn't have enough courage to run past the coffee shop she'd run into Alison outside of and instead avoided that part of campus religiously for the rest of the week. There was however one place were Emily could not avoid the blonde.

"Thats right keep your head up," Emily encouraged. "Kick, kick, kick."

Emily smiled as she watched her little class tread water, they were in the shallow end but these kids were still kicking their feet and bobbing along in the water like they were out in the vast ocean. It was adorable and they were all improving momentously.

"Good job guys," Emily praised. "Remember keeping your head above water is the first thing you want to do, whats the second thing you do?"

"Don't panic," a couple of kids recited.

"Thats right," Emily cheered. "Panicking in water is not what we want, you stay calm and you stay safe."

The class nodded back to her and Emily smiled at their innocent little faces absorbing her worlds like the little sponges they were, she loved teaching kids because they rarely came with any preconceived notions of the world. They were blank slates for the most part and watching them get something right, learn something well, that was a privilege to Emily.

"Alright guys great work, thats the end of class," Emily told them all as they furiously swam back to the step and climbed out. They were definitely getting better.

Fulham's advice had plagued Emily as soon as she caught sight of Ali before class started and she spent the whole class trying so hard to not look in the blonde's direction. But as much as Emily hated to admit it, and she really did, Fulham was right, she needed to woman up and talk to Alison.

Josh not surprisingly spotted her first as she crept over to the small group, his blue eyes set into a glare but Emily ignored him.

"Alison?" Emily politely queried.

Alison turned to her and the smile on the blonde's face that she seemed to always have around the kids was replaced with a neutral hard line.

"Emily," Alison nodded. "I thought they did quite well in class today, don't you?"

Alison smiled down at Rory who had wrapped her arms around the blonde's waist, she was a very affectionate little girl. Alison's hand combed through Rory's dark locks as the blonde smiled pleasantly.

"Yes they're getting better," Emily praised the kids, Rory beamed at her, Isabella shyly ducked her head behind Ali and Joshua crossed his arms and tried to glare harder. "I actually wanted to talk to you for a second, if thats alright?"

Alison looked wary but slowly disentangled Rory from her middle.

"Josh watch your sisters," Alison told the boy, he looked like he wanted to argue but Alison raised an eyebrow in challenge and he clamped his mouth shut.

Emily wandered a little way from the children and Alison followed her hesitantly as Emily turned back she was struck with how beautiful Alison still was, her blonde hair longer again and in soft curls. She was more grown up, sure of herself with a calm confident air rather than the powerful dangerous energy she exuded as a teenager.

"Emily?" Alison questioned when Emily took too long to respond. "You wanted to say something, is Joshua still a problem-"

"No," Emily shook her head trying to clear her thoughts. "He's fine, I was just…"

Emily rubbed the back of her neck a nervous habit she'd picked up in freshman year, whenever she was stressed her shoulder would sting all the way along the muscle and up into the back of her neck.

"Would you like to get a coffee or go to lunch?" Emily squeaked out.

Alison's mouth popped open in surprise before she shut it quickly and cleared her throat.

"I have the kids-"

"They can come too," Emily threw in desperately, that hadn't really been the plan at all and Emily wasn't exactly sure how she'd talk to Alison about their past with a four year old under foot.

"My treat," Emily added when Alison looked like she was going to say no.

Alison sighed deeply and rubbed a hand over her face.

"Its just not a good time, Emily," Alison admitted looking back to the children who were staring at them. "We have errands to run and-"

"Right," Emily nodded a little sullen. "Well maybe next time."

"Probably not," Alison muttered somewhat pained. "Have a good day, Emily."

"You too," Emily mumbled as Alison headed back to the kids.

Joshua listened to something Alison said and then threw Emily a smug victorious grin. Emily just smiled politely back and waved to Rory who was enthusiastically waving to Emily as Alison and the kids left.

* * *

That night Tessa suggested a break from their tedious studying and Emily agreed to watch a couple of episode of Orange is the New Black with the redhead. Emily had noted that more often than not Tessa would pick something that had lesbians in it, whether this was a reflection of the current mainstream media or Tessa's attempt at subtly hinting Emily couldn't tell but tonight she just wanted to cuddle and forget the stupid drama in her life.

So when Tessa inched closer Emily relaxed into her friend and laid her head against Tessa's shoulder forcing the redhead to slip an arm around her shoulders. They lasted two episodes like that before Tessa was lying back on the couch with Emily snuggled on top of her, half asleep as Tessa drew patterns on her back and they both pretended to watch the show.

Emily knew it was wrong but it felt so good to have a warm body under her, to feel a solid heartbeat against her ear and the feel of Tessa's even breathing was magically. In its simplicity it was so calming and intimate and Emily fell asleep peacefully.

She awoke stiff and alone on the couch to Nicole breaking things in the kitchen at some ungodly hour. As much as Emily loved Tessa as a flatmate she hated Nicole with the same intensity. She stretched as she stood and her stomach rumbled reminding the brunette that she had missed dinner the night before.

"What time is it?" Emily asked opening the fridge slowly.

"Too fucking early," came the biting reply.

Emily rolled her eyes and fished out the milk.

"Alright who the fuck touched my cereal?" Nicole shrieked slamming the cupboard closed.

Emily rolled her eyes and moved quickly around what was likely to be a major meltdown, grabbing a bowl and her own brand of cereal.

"You're being really unfair you know?" Nicole muttered darkly.

"This is _my_ cereal," Emily stressed shaking the packet into the bowl and adding milk.

"With Tessa, moron," Nicole huffed in exasperation.

"What are you even talking about?" Emily's face scrunched up in confusion, this was why she never talked to Nicole the woman was crazy.

"Last night you two were getting all cuddly on the couch," Nicole muttered with disgust.

"I didn't know you were homophobic," Emily spat, she had refused to feel ashamed of her sexuality a long time ago and she damn well wasn't going to start in her own apartment.

"Get over yourself," Nicole snapped. "And let the poor girl move on already."

"I didn't do anything, she's my friend."

"Some friend you are, using her feelings for you to your own benefit," Nicole bitterly muttered and it sounded like she had been burned before.

"Thats not whats happening at all," Emily cried much too high pitched and forceful to be believable.

"Sure looks like it," Nicole quipped.

Emily waved away the guilt starting to gnaw at her insides.

"She doesn't even like girls she's just-"

"Crushing on you. God you're an oblivious, idiot," Nicole insulted. "I get it you want to feel safe and protected or whatever but if you can't return her feelings then don't lead her on."

Emily took a spoonful of her cereal remembering it was in front of her.

"Just get with this Alison chick and stop fucking whining about your life," Nicole concluded as if it were that simple.

"When do you move out again?" Emily snarked.

"Not soon enough," Nicole threw back.

"No kidding," Emily grumbled heading to her bedroom.

"Emily," Nicole called, her tone more compassionate.

Emily turned back to her.

"I'm sorry shit happened to you," Nicole sympathized. "But that doesn't give you an excuse to take it out on everyone else, especially when you know they love you enough they'll suck it up and deal."

"Is this lecture over yet?" Emily rolled her eyes.

"Trust me, everyone has a breaking point," Nicole shared with a heavy sigh.

Emily headed for her room and slammed the door shut. Nicole was a crazy weirdo that was all.

* * *

Tessa didn't bring up the cuddling and Emily couldn't tell if that meant it wasn't a big deal or if it was such a big deal that Tessa was deliberately avoiding mentioning it. Emily was so turned around by this whole thing and Fulham was more interested in Alison than ever, every session he would ask if Emily had talked to Ali yet. And every week she'd have to tell him no.

Today Emily tried before swimming class when Alison was getting settled in her seat and the kids were chatting to their friends.

"Alison," Emily smiled warmly as the blonde looked up at her.

"Emily," Alison cordially nodded.

"I was wondering if-"

"We have lots going on today," Alison cut in swiftly. "So no we can't do lunch."

Emily rubbed her neck.

"Maybe I could help with your errands instead of lunch?" She suggested with a small hopeful smile.

Alison stared at the brunette for a long moment.

"No, we're fine," Alison finally answered turning away.

"You sure, company could be nice and-"

"Emily," Alison snapped glaring at the brunette. "I said _no_."

Rory bounded over to ask Alison a question and the spiteful part of Emily wanted to offer ice cream after class. It would be so easy to get the kids onside but she didn't want to force Alison into anything, she'd done enough of that to last a lifetime.

"You're right," Emily conceded instead. "I'm sorry. Enjoy your day."

She started the class and didn't look back at Alison once.

* * *

Emily spent three sessions with Fulham talking about respecting peoples' boundaries and how that was exactly what Emily needed to do, Alison had every right to not want to talk to her or go out and sometimes things just didn't work out the way you wanted them to. Sometimes it was easier for people to cut their loses and run, and Alison DiLaurentis was the master of running.

The next swim practise Emily was polite, professional and made sure to only address the kids and never Ali. She was their teacher, and they needed to have a good working relationship. But as far as the kids' swimming lessons went Emily didn't need to talk to Alison, so she didn't.

Sara, Brad and Emily had combined classes and taken up three lanes to practise swimming back to the edge after having jumped into the deep end. Sara stood out of the pool directing the two lines of children in while Brad and Emily stood in the water ready to assist should any child struggle. It turned out the instructors had done well because all the kids got back to the ledge easily once they surfaced from their jumps and doggie paddled back to the side of the pool quickly. Not one of them panicked and Sara handed out lollipops for everyone as prizes for a good days work.

The only problem with lollipops was that the little kiddies always dropped the sticks everywhere, Emily was picking up her fourth stick from under one of the chairs when she noticed a cream coloured wallet tucked under the chair leg.

She pulled it out and looked around but everyone else was long gone, she inspected the wallet carefully and opened it up to try and find some id. Of fucking course.

 _Alison Lauren DiLaurentis._

The drivers licence read with an impressive picture of Alison. It was eerily similar to the blonde's mugshot, though Alison still looked beautiful, much better than Emily did in her photo. Emily snapped the wallet shut. She would have to give it into the office, Alison was bound to notice it was missing soon. She briefly considered calling the blonde from the emergency contact list but then decided that was overstepping.

Emily turned the wallet over in her hands trying to figure out if there was an underlying meaning in here. The old Alison would have planted it, as a taunt, a trap maybe. But the grown up Alison didn't really seem to have much in common with the little hell raiser teenage Ali had been.

Maybe it was simply misplaced, Emily started for the office before another idea came to her, perhaps Alison had just carelessly forgotten her wallet and maybe this was a grander sign from the universe, a twist of fate. Emily mulled it over for a moment she'd never been much for fate and karma but if there was one thing she felt very strongly it was to never question a good excuse. She slipped Alison's wallet into her bag. Thats exactly what this was, the perfect excuse.

* * *

That evening Emily knocked on the apartment door softly, she'd gotten lucky at the lobby door and a sweet old woman was shuffling in with her groceries, Emily had held the door open for the nice woman and slipped in easily. But now here she was outside Alison's apartment with no idea what to say, but she had a reason for being here, she told her self Alison's wallet clutched tightly in her right hand. She was being friendly considerate, not stalkerish just nice.

She gulped as the door open and she came face to face with blonde hair and blue eyes.

"Americano," the blonde drawled, none too happy to see Emily.

"Cece?" Emily questioned.

Cece cocked her hip and her eyebrows narrowed dangerously, it was a familiar pose of intimidation and snark but the impressive baby bump just threw the whole thing off in Emily's mind.

"You're pregnant," Emily gasped before she could stop herself.

"Yes. You have less tact then I remember," Cece snarked. "What brings you by?"

"I was looking for Ali-Alison," Emily tried to peer past the blonde but Cece firmly blocked the doorway.

"Why?" Cece crossed her arms over her chest and glared.

"Thats between me and Alison," Emily found herself saying.

"Whatever you have to say to Ali you can say in front of me," Cece's hand fell to her stomach and she petted it fondly. "And baby DiLaurentis."

Emily choked, spluttering through her own salvia as she simultaneously swallowed and tried to gasp for breath. _Baby DiLaurentis!_

"Don't look so shocked, Americano," Cece quipped with a nasty smirk that made Emily want to smack her. "Ali got me all maternal, I never really thought motherhood would be my thing but you do weird things for the ones you love."

Emily felt like she was going to faint.

"You and… Alison…" she croaked out.

"You sound surprised," Cece leaned against the doorway. "Did you really think a girl like Ali would stay single? After what you did to her I should be kicking your ass-"

"Cece," a tiny voice whined from inside. "Its your turn."

"Well duty calls," Cece quipped. "I'd say its been nice seeing you but I'm trying not to lie as much these days."

Cece slipped back into the apartment and closed the door.

Emily stared at it in horror. Cece and Alison. Pregnant. With a boat load of other kids what the hell was going on? It had only been three years, Alison couldn't possible have adopted three kids and started a fucking family with Cece Drake of all people could she?

"Emily?"

Crap. Emily turned to find Alison heading out of the elevator a puzzled frown upon her lips.

"What are you doing here?" Alison demanded.

"I…"

"Are you stalking me?" Alison angrily cried, her face clearly displaying her disapproval. "Because I've been stalked enough you should know and-"

"Here," Emily thrusted Alison's wallet into the blonde's face. "You left it at the pool. I just wanted to return it."

"Oh," Alison softly uttered taking her wallet. "Thank you."

"I should go," Emily muttered and slipped around Alison.

The apartment door flew open and Rory came hurtling out wrapping her arms around Alison.

"Hello to you too, Ror," Alison laughed. "Did you have a good day with Cece?"

"Yes," Rory answered looking up at Alison as though she were some kind of super hero. Alison beamed down at the girl just as fondly and Emily could see they were very attached.

Emily shook her head at the sight, Alison was obviously very happy with her family and her life.

"Emily," Rory called noticing her swimming teacher. "Are you coming to dinner?"

"No sweetie," Alison answered for Emily with a pointed looked at the brunette. "Emily is busy, she just kindly dropped something off for me."

"Oh," Rory uttered trying and failing to hide her disappointment.

"I'll see you at class next week, Rory," Emily smiled at the little girl. "We'll work on your backstroke."

"My what?" Rory quirked her head.

Emily laughed at the expression.

"Its a swimming style a bit beyond you but we'll get you back in the pool and diving in no time," Emily encouraged.

"Ok," Rory enthusiastically nodded. "Bye, Emily."

"Bye, Rory, Alison," Emily looked up to see Cece glaring at her from the doorway. "Cece."

Cece ignored her and turned to face Alison.

"I'm so glad you're home I am starving," Cece whined.

Alison scooped Rory into her arms and slipped past the blonde into the apartment.

"Since when are you not, you've had every craving known to woman kind," Alison laughed.

Cece smirked saucily at Emily and the brunette could only imagine what other cravings Alison had satisfied of her pregnant partner.

"Thanks, _babe_ you're the best," Cece called in response to whatever Alison had said from further in, she winked at Emily before turning back into the apartment and slamming the door. Emily didn't think she could feel any worse than she did in that exact moment.


	7. Chapter 7

**Warnings: Foul Language, PTSD.**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own Pretty Little Liars.**

It turned out Emily was wrong, she could feel worse, much worse. This pain over Alison moving on and starting a family with someone else was apparently multi faceted. The crushing realization that Ali had a family (without Emily) coupled nicely with the knowledge that Emily was still in love with Alison. Which she could now accept, because now that it wasn't even a remote possibility she could hide in the sadness of what she had lost. The girl, woman rather she had lost to Cece Drake of all people. So the bitter pill of Alison's happiness with someone else, combined with the knowledge that Emily now knew she in fact did want Ali romantically, was topped off with the constant visual reminders of what Alison had and what Emily would never have, at swimming lessons of all places. Cece Drake seemed to consider Emily a threat because now whenever Ali and the kids showed up Cece tagged along and if anyone thought it was weird they didn't comment.

It nearly killed Emily to watch Alison giggle as Cece whispered something into her ear, or when Cece dragged Alison's hand to her baby bump and they both grinned at each other. It hurt so much but Emily endured because deep down she wanted Alison to be happy, even if that happiness was with Cece (and not Emily).

Emily did her best to ignore the happy couple but Cece was not making it easy.

"Whoo nice work, Josh," Cece clapped loudly and Alison shook her head in amusement, Josh beamed at the two blondes and his hostility towards Emily was starting to make sense to the brunette.

It seemed everyone fell to Cece's charms. When class was finally over and Emily was packing up Brad waded over with burning new questions.

"Ok why are there so many hot blondes?" Brad whispered to her. "Do you know that one too?"

"Yes," Emily groaned lifting a box out of the water.

"Damn, Fields, you gotta start giving me tips," Brad wiggled his eyebrows at her and if Emily wasn't as emotionally drained as she was it would probably have been funny.

"Alison may not be a psychopath but the same can't be said for Cece Drake," she cattily responded instead and instantly felt terrible.

"She looks very nurturing," Brad mused and Emily turned to see that Cece was wiping Rory's face gently while talking to the little girl. She did look nurturing and Emily noticed that Rory was conveniently hiding the blonde's baby bump as Rory stood between Cece's legs with the blonde sitting down.

"You know forget what I said," Emily ordered noticing Alison, Josh and Izzy seemed to be missing. "You should go talk to her."

"What?" Brad spluttered.

"Don't tell me you're shy?" Emily goaded, this was wrong but she didn't care.

"I'm not- just what do I even say?" Brad groaned.

"Make something up, come on I'll introduce you," Emily waded to the edge and pulled herself out of the water. Brad followed her over to Rory and Cece.

"Good work today, Rory," Emily praised cutting into their conversation easily.

"Thanks, Emily," Rory smiled up at her swimming teacher, Cece's arms wrapped around Rory and pulled her back a little, a clear indication of ownership.

Emily smiled.

"Cece," she greeted, the blonde nodded in acknowledgment. "This is my friend Brad."

"Pleasure," Brad nodded holding out his hand.

Rory moved out of Cece's grasp so the blonde could stand and shake hands. Brad's eyes widened as Cece stood and he noticed the bump. Emily coughed to cover her giggles but Brad recovered quickly and politely shook hands.

"When are you expecting?" Brad asked conversationally with a pointed glare at Emily.

"Late December," Cece rubbed her stomach fondly.

"The week after my birthday," Rory announced.

"Yes you little gremlin," Cece praised with a grin. "Have you picked any names you like yet?"

Rory shook her head, Cece patted Rory's dark locks affectionately.

"We'll have a look at the baby book at home alright?" Cece suggested.

Rory clapped excitedly.

"Well I must say the motherhood glow is really working for you, Cece," Brad complimented with a charming smile.

"Oh stop, you. Really?" Cece gushed blushing faintly.

"Of course, you look radiant," Brad praised and Emily covered her pleased smile as Cece lapped up the attention.

"What did you say you did again, Brad?" Cece asked, her finger trailing down his impressive arm. "You must work out."

"I'm one of the other swimming instructors," Brad grinned. "I work out a little."

"A little?" Cece scoffed in disbelief.

"I'm sure half of it is steroids," Alison huffed as she joined them.

"Alison don't be rude," Cece hissed removing her hand from Brad's arm as Alison glared at him.

"If you stopped flirting with bachelors when you are _not_ available, maybe I wouldn't have to be," Alison stressed with a pointed look at Cece and then Brad.

Brad took at step back.

"I'm sorry I thought-"

"Babies need two people, so yeah she's taken, buddy," Alison cut in fiercely.

"Ali," Cece snapped. "We were just talking, besides-"

"No, he was flirting and you were _encouraging_ him, god I can't leave you alone for a minute," Alison groaned.

Emily and Brad both shifted uncomfortably.

"I am not a child," Cece seethed. "And you don't decide or let me do anything, got it?"

"Thats not what I'm saying, you are pregnant and-"

Brad grabbed Emily's arm and pulled her away from the fighting couple.

"What the hell was that?" Brad accused when they were out of ear shot. "You totally just set me up."

"No I didn't I was just-"

"Yeah you did, you knew she was pregnant and obviously with Alison," Brad crossed his arms and sighed. "Thats not cool, dude."

"Brad I'm sorry I just wanted to see what she'd do-"

"I'm not talking about what you did to me, but that wasn't cool either I'm talking about trying to break them up," Brad shook his head in disappointment. "I thought you were a good friend, Emily, apparently I was wrong."

"Brad…"

But he stormed off to the change rooms before Emily could stop him, she looked back to see Cece crying as Alison tried to console her. Ali wrapped her arms around Cece and rocked her gently. Emily had to look away as Alison pulled Cece's back a little to wipe the older blonde's tears and then leaned into Cece for a kiss.

* * *

"I know you wanna kiss me," and it always came with that cute little giggle, Emily could almost see the taunting smile from the video as the words echoed around her replica bedroom.

"I know you wanna kiss me."

"I know you wanna kiss me."

Emily burrowed her head trying to block it out but it just got louder.

The giggle, the giggle was the worst bit.

"I know you wanna kiss me."

"Stop," Emily begged pathetically.

"I know you wanna kiss me."

"Stop," Emily ordered.

"I know you wanna kiss me."

"STOP IT!"

Emily's eyes flew open and she grasped at her blankets in fear. She was fine, she was in her room in California no where near Rosewood and A's torture filled dollhouse. She sunk back into the pillows trying to control her racing heart. She hated that memory so much and it always left her exhausted and aching, sometimes she still marvelled at how deep A had managed to imbed his/her/it's psychological scars.

Who ever A was, he'd fucked up large part of her life well and truly or rather Emily had done a fine job of that all on her own. Every time she kissed Alison those words echoed louder and louder in her mind. The words Emily knew Alison had used to tease that scumbag Ian, it made her blood boil to think of it even now but that was hardly an excuse. There was no excuse for how Emily treated Alison in the months following the dollhouse and she doubted Ali would ever give her a chance to explain even if she could. Emily slumped defeatedly onto her mattress and tried to will herself back to sleep and back into her nightmares.

Emily awoke much later that morning to find her alarm turned off and the smell of bacon and eggs wafting through the apartment. She looked to the clock and groaned it was only just past eight but she felt liked she'd hardly slept at all. Stretching her stiff muscles she sleepy padded to the kitchen to find Tessa making breakfast.

"Good morning," Tessa smiled softly at Emily.

"Morning," Emily greeted slumping into a chair at the breakfast table. "Did you turn off my alarm?"

Tessa nodded turning the bacon.

"I heard you screaming this morning so I figured you could use an extra hour or so," Tessa replied.

"Right," Emily grumbled, she appreciated the sentiment but she wasn't sure she liked the idea of Tessa making decisions for her.

"I was just about to wake you up actually," Tessa smiled as the toaster popped. "You still have time to eat, shower and get to campus before your chemistry lab."

Pam Fields would be proud, Emily decided with an barely suppressed eye roll. Emily poured herself a glass of water instead of picking a fight as Tessa set out their plates and joined her at the table.

"Thank you, Tessa," Emily politely responded as she began to eat.

Tessa always made excellent crunchy bacon.

"You're most welcome," Tessa blushed faintly and looked down at her own food. "Did you have another nightmare?"

Emily's fork hovered inches from her mouth and she set it down slowly, her appetite waning.

"I wanted to comfort you," Tessa hurried along. "But I didn't think you'd appreciate me crawling into your bed."

Emily's throat constricted, no that was probably a really bad idea. They'd done that before especially in their freshman dorm when Tessa, a naturally light sleeper, couldn't sleep until Emily stopped tossing and turning. The easiest way to maintain that was for Tessa to simply wrap herself around the restless brunette. Knowing that Tessa liked her as more than a friend though made the thought of sharing a bed, again, a manipulative act.

"Em you should eat," Tessa prompted.

"I'm really not hungry," Emily grumbled pushing her plate away.

"You haven't eaten much for weeks now," Tessa noted. "Did something happen?"

"No, nothing happened," Emily muttered taking a large gulp of water, she really didn't want to talk about this right now.

"Did something happen with Alison?" Tessa hedged.

"No, nothing happened with Alison and nothing is _going_ to happen with Alison," Emily bit off aggressively, stabbing a fork into the slice of bacon.

Nothing was going to happen because Alison was with Cece fucking Drake.

"I know you don't want to hear this Emily but you need to move on," Tessa pushed, her deep green eyes staring at Emily with pity and concern.

"You're right I didn't want to hear that." Emily snapped harshly pushing herself up from the table.

"She's not good for you and from what Hanna says-"

"Hanna doesn't know shit," Emily shook her head feeling herself spiralling into dangerous rage. "And I would really like it if you stopped talking to my friends about me."

"Ignoring a problem won't make it go away," Tessa calmly retorted, Emily briefly wondered if the redhead had been taking notes from Fulham.

"And here I was hoping you'd just _evaporate_ ," Emily spat when she looked to Tessa she instantly regretted it. "Shit Tessa, I didn't mean that, I'm sorry."

Tessa looked like a kicked puppy and Emily felt horrible. Nicole was right Emily only ever hurt people and used them till they had nothing left to give. It sounded like an ironically familiar motive.

"Thank you for breakfast, Tessa, I have to go," Emily scurried off to the bathroom without waiting for Tessa to respond. The guilt of stringing along Tessa and using her, of using Ali, of everything she'd ever done was bottling up and eating away at her. It was mentally exhausting, and physically sickening. Why did she keep hurting everyone?

* * *

Not talking to Brad and avoiding Tessa put a huge detent in Emily's social circle. The only people she conversed with regularly were a few people in her labs and classes, but it was hardly enough to keep her mind off Cece and Alison. So when Hanna suggested a group skype call Emily was overjoyed.

"Are we really going to ignore the elephant in the room?" Spencer grumbled.

Emily froze, they couldn't have found out could they, no, they were on the other side of the country. None of them talked to Alison, not even Spencer, as far as Emily knew.

"What elephant?" Aria titled her head puzzled and then smiled cheekily past her laptop.

"Ok that right there, not as subtle as you think," Hanna cackled as Aria looked back to the camera caught.

"Yeah we can see Ezra in the mirror behind you, Ar," Spencer chuckled.

Ezra flushed and jumped out of sight as though that would help and the girls all laughed.

"So I take it you're back on Fitz express," Hanna mused.

"We're taking it slow," Aria shared with a private smile.

"Sure you are," Hanna cackled again and Aria looked around her room frantically for what had set the blonde off this time.

"Your shirt is on inside out, Ar," Spencer rolled her eyes.

"You can't keep stuff from your best friends we'll find out, sooner or later," Hanna warned with a smirk.

"Especially if you're as terrible at hiding things as Miss Montgomery," Spencer laughed.

Aria chuckled but Emily felt her gut churn uncomfortably, she hadn't told any of them about Alison or Cece. When the teasing of Aria finally relaxed and a natural lull came up Emily jumped on it as causally as she could.

"Did you guys ever find out what happened to Cece?" Emily asked picking at her jean shorts.

"Drake?" Spencer clarified with a puzzled frown.

"Ali's weird friend," Hanna scoffed. "No why?"

"Isn't she still wanted for Wilden's murder?" Spencer mused.

Oh god she was, Cece was a wanted murderer and Alison was having a baby with her. Emily's heart rate spiked, Ali knew that though, knew what Cece was capable of, she'd told Emily as much Cece killed a cop partly for Ali. Had they always been a thing? Was Emily that much of a lovesick fool she didn't see that Alison's heart already belonged to someone else?

As Emily worried herself into a panic the others carried the conversation without her.

"Did they ever actually prove it though. Rosewood cops suck. No offence to Toby," Hanna muttered apologetically.

"He'd be the first to agree with you," Spencer shared, it wasn't a secret Toby hated the police force in their hometown.

"Why are we talking about Cece again?" Aria questioned.

"Emily brought her up." Hanna pointed out.

They all looked to Emily for a second before Aria continued.

"Well we don't know what really happened with Wilden, he tried to kill me on the ghost train so I would be the first to thank the crazy bitch for offing him," Aria frowned.

"You're not wrong, the world's better off without that scum," Hanna grumbled.

"But she still killed him," Emily stressed.

"Probably," Spencer nodded not particularly fazed it was weird what they now considered acceptable. Hanna agreed with Spencer.

"I don't know guys ever since.. New York I don't think its as straightforward as everyone claims," Aria argued.

"New York was self defence," Spencer stressed, Aria looked away and Spencer scooted closer to her laptop. "Aria look at me."

Emily felt like she was intruding on a special moment as Aria slowly lifted her sad eyes to her screen, no doubt staring at Spencer.

"That was self defence," Spencer slowly enunciated each word. "You saved us all."

"Yeah, Ar," Hanna added.

Aria wiped at her eyes quickly and nodded for the camera to show them she was ok and Emily swallowed back her own sadness, these girls were still the bravest people she knew, to go about their days like they hadn't had to make life and death decisions.

"And whose to say Cece killing Wilden wasn't self defence," Aria argued when she composed herself.

"I don't know about you guys but I liked it better when we didn't talk about all the shit that went down and they-who-shall-not-be-named," Hanna grimaced.

"No one mentioned…"

They all stiffened when Spencer couldn't even say A or Charles, Emily wasn't sure which one Spencer was trying to get out.

"Never mind, I gotta get back to studying," Spencer admitted.

"Boo, Hastings," Hanna jeered. "You said we had you for an hour."

"And its been an hour and a half," Spencer reminded her friend.

"I'm with Spencer I have to go guys," Aria reluctantly told them. "Stuff to do."

"Don't you mean _Fitz_ ," Hanna cackled as Aria flushed.

"Shut up, Hanna," Aria groaned.

"Seriously Aria we're happy if you're happy," Hanna stressed and Emily and Spencer agreed.

"I am guys, thank you," Aria smiled at them all and said her goodbyes.

"Text me," Spencer told Emily and Hanna once Aria was gone.

"We will, now go hit the books, you nerd," Hanna ordered.

Spencer stuck out her tongue and signed off too.

"Looks like its just me and you," Emily noted smiling at her laptop screen.

Hanna looked contemplative for a moment.

"Why'd you bring up Cece?" Hanna asked her face set in a worried frown.

"I don't know I was just curious," Emily lied.

Hanna's eyebrows narrowed but she didn't push.

"I really liked your piece for the fashion exhibit by the way," Emily praised hoping to move off the topic.

"Oh my god I know, what was your favourite part? Tell me everything?" Hanna perked up excitedly as she rattled off questions.

The rest of their Skype call was spent praising Hanna's work and the blonde showing Emily her newest sketches, everything to do with Cece skillfully forgotten. They were after all pros at selective memory by now.


	8. Chapter 8

**Warnings: Foul Language, PTSD.**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own Pretty Little Liars.**

Emily attempted to get into work early the next class determined to talk to Brad and clear the air between them, she considered him a friend and she knew she had a lot of making up to do for leading him into such a stupid set up. She knew what she had been trying to achieve with introducing Cece to Brad and it still made her feel heavy with guilt to find that she was capable of such malicious intentions. But she was going to suck it up if Alison was happy with Cece that was not her business, her priority was fixing her friendship with Brad.

He was already in the pool talking to Sara when Emily arrived, Sara waved in greeting when Emily joined them at the edge.

"Hey," Emily smiled but Brad barely looked up. "Brad can I talk to you?"

Sara looked between the two clearly uncomfortable when Brad glared at Emily.

"I need to get back to work, Emily, I suggest you do the same," Brad tersely muttered.

"The kids aren't even-"

"Em," Sara cut in as Brad turned away. "I think you should let him cool off."

Emily wanted to argue but there didn't seem to be much point and instead she nodded slowly, slumping her shoulders and heading over to her roster to see what she could do to kill some time before class started.

It turned out there was hardly anything to do and Emily watched the minutes drag by before the first kids and their parents arrived.

"Emily," Rory cried bouncing over in like the ball of excited energy she usually was. "Please, you have to come, please, Emily."

Rory reached up pulling Emily's arm out and then proceeded to swing from the outstretched limb, like a tree branch.

"Come where?" Emily laughed at Rory literally hanging off her arm, this kid was too much.

"To the park its Izzy's birthday so we're going-"

"Rory get off Emily," Alison scolded as she stormed over. "You don't climb on people remember its not polite."

"Sorry," Rory muttered letting go of Emily and dropping to her feet.

"She's fine, Ali," Emily tried to reassure the blonde but was met with a withering glare.

"Can you still come to the park, Emily?" Rory asked, with her pleading puppy dog eyes. "We're going after class and shh don't tell Izzy but we got ice cream cake."

"Ice cream cake?" Emily whispered back watching Rory's eyes light up. "Well…"

She looked to Alison who had crossed her arms and the blonde huffed when Emily didn't say anything else.

"Emily can't come, Rory," Alison calmly explained.

"Why not?" Rory whined, her lower lip protruding and Emily wanted to copy her.

"She's busy," Alison answered before Emily could jump in, she wanted to go, she really wanted to go to this party in the park but these were Alison's kids and she couldn't just insert herself into their plans, she'd already tried that.

Cece sauntered up behind Alison and wrapped an arm around the younger blonde's waist.

"Everything ok here?" Cece questioned her tone friendly and her eyes hard as they locked to Emily.

"Cece can Emily come to the park?" Rory whined grabbing the older blonde's hand.

"Rory I just said no," Alison sighed exhausted.

"You heard Ali, gremlin," Cece grinned down at Rory.

Rory crossed her arms and sulked frowning at everyone.

"Stop being a brat," Joshua snapped at his sister as he walked past.

"I am not," Rory muttered and her chin quivered as she started to cry.

"Joshua don't call your sister a brat," Alison scolded but Joshua just kept walking. "Hey I'm talking to you."

Alison took off after the preteen and Emily watched the chaos unfold.

"I just wanted everyone to have a good time," Rory cried descending into full on tantrum mode as Cece hovered over her.

"Hey look its alright, Rory, come on now," Cece drew the little girl into a hug her impressive baby bump hindering them a little.

Emily slipped away unsure of what to say so she held her tongue and headed over to her lane in the pool. Izzy sat with her feet dangling over the edge already set to swim as her siblings were being scolded and comforted respectively. The way the little girl sat suggested she was used to being on her own and that she preferred it. Emily guessed It must have been hard being the middle child of two dominant personalities like Joshua and Rory.

"Hi Isabella," Emily greeted taking a seat next to the little girl.

"Hi," she shyly replied.

"I heard its your birthday," Emily grinned when Izzy looked at her. "Happy birthday."

"Thank you," came the soft reply.

"How old did you turn?" Emily asked with a little nudge. "Let me guess."

She tapped her chin in thought.

"Eighteen," Emily shared excitedly, Izzy shook her head with a little smile. "Really okay ah.. seventy?"

Izzy giggled and shook her head again.

"I know, I know you're thirty two, you really don't look a day over seven," Emily praised.

"I am seven," Izzy laughed.

"Well you don't look a day over thirty two," Emily giggled as Izzy gave her a playful shove.

Izzy looked her over cautiously and Emily stayed still allowing the little girl to work through her thoughts.

"Are you going to come to the park with us?" she asked softly.

"No, sweetie," Emily sighed pained and Izzy hung her head. "But hey how about as a little birthday present you pick the first game we'll play today alright?"

Izzy looked up to gage how serious Emily was being, Emily smiled back encouragingly and Izzy swung her legs in the water.

"Any game?" Izzy asked hopefully.

"Whatever you want, birthday girl," Emily promised.

* * *

It turned out Izzy wanted to play Marco Polo which didn't really do much for their swimming techniques but it was a bit of fun for the kids. Emily supervised so that no one drowned or cheated, the kids couldn't seem to decide which was a worse offence. The game progressed nicely while Joshua was in and the other kids scurried around the pool trying to stay out of the blinded boy's way.

"Marco," Joshua called and the kids dutifully replied with Polo.

"No peeking," Emily reminded him when Joshua started to open his eyes, she'd already caught Rachel cheating.

"Marco," Joshua called again, and he splashed water in the direction he knew Emily was just because he could, the brunette rolled her eyes but didn't scold him more.

Rory doggie paddled over to Emily and then proceeded to climb up her swimming instructor.

"Isn't this cheating?" Emily whispered to the little girl clinging to her.

"Nah uh its fish out of water," Rory whispered back not softly enough.

"Fish out of water!" Joshua yelled opening his eyes and Rory let go of Emily falling back into the water with a splash. "I got you, Rory."

Rory resurfaced and spat water into her brother's face.

"Hey none of that," Emily scolded ushering them both back to the steps. "Games over, come on back everyone."

The kids all swam back to the steps and Emily looked over to see a well dressed man in a suit run into the centre, he looked around desperately and Emily got a good look at his handsome face. _Jason._

Jason DiLaurentis spotted what he was looking for and hurried over to Alison and Cece.

"What are we doing now?" Joshua asked scowling and breaking Emily from her staring.

She looked back to the kids.

"We're going to practise strokes," Emily told them putting her face to the water and leaning forward. "And breathing, so I want you to lean over like this and as your arm comes up, you turn you head to the side and breath."

She demonstrated freestyle in a stationary position for a while and eventually had the kids all doing it to. Satitfiased they weren't in danger, her eyes roamed over to where Cece and Alison usually sat but only Alison was there. The blonde was looking further left and Emily followed her gaze to see Cece and Jason in a heated argument, she couldn't hear what they were saying but it was obviously passionate.

Jason pointed to Cece's stomach and the blonde held a hand over it protectively which seemed to calm Jason somewhat, he stepped forward softly and placed his hand over Cece's. She smiled hesitantly at him till he said something else and then they pressed their foreheads together. Cece smiled as a tear escaped her eye and rolled down her cheek, Jason leaned forward and kissed her lips tenderly.

Emily almost fell over, her eyes shot back to Alison who was smiling softly and then the blonde seemed to sense she was being watched and her wet blue eyes met Emily's confused brown. _Baby DiLaurentis_.

It wasn't Ali and Cece's baby it was Jason and Cece's baby. Emily felt like a weight had been lifted and smiled timidly at Alison, the blonde dried her eyes and managed a small smile back before Emily returned to teaching her class. Maybe there was hope.

* * *

After seeing Jason and Cece together, and after the weeks of the hell Emily had suffered through convinced that she would never have another chance with Alison DiLaurentis, Emily finally made a decision. She was going to purse this, whatever it was, even if it was just to get closure, Emily was going to talk to Alison. But she didn't want to corner the blonde with the children at swimming, so she retraced the Berkeley campus side streets every morning just after seven for three days straight before she finally found Ali again. Or rather she just narrowly avoided colliding with the blonde again.

"This is becoming a pattern with you," Alison grumbled wiping at her coffee cup as the hot liquid had sloshed over the lid in their near collision.

"I run this route every morning I'm surprised it hasn't happened more," Emily smiled handing Alison more napkins from the nearest table.

Alison's glare hardened, taking the offered napkins.

"I only saw you here for the first time last month. How is that possible if you run here every morning?"

"Its a new development," Emily shifted on her feet.

"Really," Alison scoffed. "I'm not going to ask how new because I am late and I don't care."

Alison side stepped the brunette but Emily followed her.

"Maybe you can ask tomorrow, over coffee," Emily smiled encouragingly. "Since we'll both be here and all."

"Emily," Alison sighed. "What are you doing?"

"Um asking for a friendly coffee?" Emily furrowed her brow.

"You still lie like shit," Alison rolled her eyes, pushing past the brunette. "Good bye, Emily."

"Wait," Emily called Alison froze in spite of herself. "Absolute honesty?"

Alison turned to face the brunette her expression vacant but she waved her hand dismissively for Emily to get on with it.

"I figured fate would only give me so many chances," Emily smiled sheepishly.

"Don't do that," Alison's eyes cut like ice.

"Why not," Emily tried to keep the whine out her voice. "Come on Alison one cup of coffee."

Alison looked so close to caving, searching the street for an escape or some kind of answer and Emily decided she wasn't above pleading.

"Please. As friends," Emily assured the blonde.

Alison eyes snapped to her, a flicker of hurt revealed before Emily was once again frozen out.

"I can't be your _friend_ ," Alison spat the word as though it were a curse.

"What why not?" Emily took a step back at the blonde's aggressive tone.

"Really?" Alison shrieked. "You're really asking why I can't be your friend?"

"We used to be friends," Emily muttered.

"No we were best friends and then we fucked each other over. Repeatedly," Alison shook her head frustrated. "I'm late, I have to go."

Alison drew her coat around herself and stormed away.

"Fine," Emily called after her petulantly. "I'll make sure to trade swimming classes with Sara next week so-"

Alison whirled back around rage seeping off her as she hurried back to Emily.

"Don't you _fucking_ dare," she spat. "I don't trust that weirdo."

Emily crossed her arms victoriously.

"Well which is it Alison you hate me so much we can't possibly have coffee or you trust me with your kids?"

"They're not my kids," Alison muttered.

"They might as well be," Emily softly responded and a ghost of a smile appeared on Alison's lips before it disappeared.

"Your ego has gotten bigger," Alison noted cattily.

"I'll admit I don't usually have to work this hard for coffee," Emily grinned charmingly.

"Well that should tell you my answer then," Alison turned away again.

"Seriously Alison come on," Emily threw her head back in exasperation.

Alison turned back and fixed Emily with an inquisitive glare before she stepped closer, right into the brunette's personal space. Emily fought to keep her heart rate under control as Alison leaned up her breath hot against Emily's ear.

"How much do you want to push me into that alley and fuck me against the brick?" Alison whispered her voice dripping with seduction.

Emily shuddered.

"I.. I… what kind of question is that?" Emily spluttered.

Alison pulled back to look Emily in the eye, her blue eyes cold as she shook her head in disappointed amusement as if she'd expected nothing less of Emily. The brunette couldn't help but feel like she had failed.

"An honest one," Alison easily responded, sipping her coffee. "Given our history."

"Jesus, you're still crazy you know that," Emily muttered running a hand through her hair.

Alison smiled at her but it was filled with sadness.

"And _that_ is why my answer is no," Alison turned on her heel. "Good bye, Emily."

"Alison-"

Emily called but the blonde didn't stop and Emily wasn't going to chase her down the street.

* * *

The next class Alison wouldn't look at Emily and Josh seemed to side with the blonde, though Emily doubted he knew what Ali was actually angry about (because Emily certainly didn't). Josh was back to glaring and wouldn't respond to any instructions, the second time he jumped in without waiting his turn Emily had had enough.

"Thats it," Emily clenched her fists trying to calm herself down. "Joshua you're in Brad's class now."

The kids all froze and Joshua didn't budge.

"Off you go," Emily instructed. "Brad can deal with you."

Joshua slipped out of the pool and looked back to his sisters who averted their gaze, he turned on his heel and stormed over to Brad's lane.

"Brad," Emily called.

Brad looked up but his face was neutral, he still wasn't accepting her apologies but he no longer avoided her like the plague.

"Josh will be joining you," Emily told the other instructor.

Brad nodded and Joshua shifted uneasily, nervous in his new class. Emily felt bad for a moment before she caught sight of Alison's disappointed gaze and Emily decided they could both fuck off, she was trying.

After a gruelling class Emily was once again cleaning up when Brad approached her.

"He really doesn't like you huh?" Brad muttered with a little grin.

Emily sighed.

"He's not exactly the only one," Emily watched as Brad ducked his head and sighed.

"I don't like being used, Em," Brad warned.

"I know and I shouldn't have done it but… I did and all I can say is I'm sorry," Emily admitted.

"I forgive you," Brad assured her and Emily felt like she could finally breath a little bit easier. "That little dude has it out for you though."

"Tell me about it," Emily muttered. "If looks could kill."

"He has a pretty impressive glare," Brad laughed and Emily chuckled it was nice to hear Brad laughing again. "So you know Alison pretty well then?"

"I did," Emily admitted her good mood evaporating.

"Exes are hard," Brad noted with a grimace.

"She's not an ex-girlfriend," Emily argued, and she wasn't, not in the sense that they ever dated or had a relationship.

"You always wished she was though, right?" Brad guessed.

"No," Emily shook her head. "I never want-wanted Ali to be an ex anything."

"You really like her huh?" Brad titled his head studying her with his kind brown eyes a small smile on his face. He really was a beautiful man.

"I've loved her since I was thirteen," Emily whispered.

"Oh damn, first love," Brad hissed through his teeth. "Stings the worst."

"Tell me about it," Emily sighed.

"Come on, you need a drink," Brad directed.

"Its five in the afternoon, Brad," Emily noted.

"Sounds like as good a time as any, lets go." Brad steered her to the change rooms. "We'll get plastered and you can tell me all about the fabulous Alison DiLaurentis and how she ripped your heart to shreds."

* * *

Emily was studying for her next big test in organic chemistry trying to memorize as much information as she could while Nicole and Tessa were both out. It was nice being able to spread across the living room floor, Emily always made a huge mess when she was studying and liked to lie down when taking notes.

A knock sounded on the front door and Emily pushed herself off her stomach and onto her knees. Another series of taps sounded and Emily stretched out her sore joints as she stood and wandered over to the door. She checked the peephole and scoffed.

"Cece," Emily greeted with sarcasm as she opened the door. "Always a pleasure."

"I thought I made myself clear," Cece seethed.

Emily smirked not willing to be intimidated by the pregnant blonde.

"Hey aren't you still wanted for murdering Wilden?" Emily questioned leaning against her door frame.

"Yeah announce that _loudly_ in hallway," Cece snapped pushing past the grinning brunette and waddling into the apartment. "Its Charlotte Davis now."

"Original," Emily quipped shutting the door behind her.

"Bite me," Cece retorted.

"I think you'd like it too much," Emily snickered.

"Cute but I'm not here to chat," Cece glared crossing her arms.

"Come to warn me off your woman?" Emily asked with a smirk.

"Exactly, you were a thing once but-"

"Cut the crap Cece I saw Jason," Emily retorted.

Cece narrowed her eyes before she stormed over to the brunette thrusting a finger into her face.

"That doesn't change anything, you need to get over yourself and leave Ali alone," Cece loomed.

"Ali's a big girl she can look after herself," Emily shot back.

"She is and she can protect herself, but not from you," Cece's voice wavered. "Please just drop this before you make it worse."

"She doesn't need to protect herself from me," Emily muttered.

"Of course she does!" Cece yelled. "You ended it Emily you pulled the plug and threw her away."

"I let her go," Emily fired back. "We were destroying each other."

"Exactly," Cece screamed. "What makes you think this time it'll be any different!"

Emily slummed onto the couch defeated.

"Look, Americano," Cece softened her tone and sat gently next to Emily. "You can have any girl you want. Believe me, you're gorgeous. Why are you so set on this one?"

Emily shook her head.

"Cause she's the one that got away?" Cece suggested gently. "And that sucks and you'll always wonder what if but… she's happy, boo, don't ruin that, please."

"I don't want to I just…"

Emily couldn't finish her thought, didn't even really know where to start to explain her motivations for getting to know Alison again. It was just a need.

"Well until you figure out why you want her so bad, I think you should stay away," Cece suggested her tone bordering on threatening.

"I love her, Cece," Emily pleaded trying to make the blonde see that she had always loved Alison, always would love Ali.

"And sometimes thats not enough," Cece snapped.

Emily dropped her head and tried to keep her tears at bay.

"You don't even know her, Emily," Cece murmured as though it pained her to point this out. "She's changed and so have you, don't pretend like you can just pick up where you left off, would you even want to from what I heard-"

"What did she tell you?" Emily asked desperately.

"Bits and pieces but it was bad, Americano, real bad," Cece admitted as though she were reliving those dark days.

"What do I do?" Emily whined.

"Nothing," Cece solemnly stated standing. "Don't ambush her, don't flirt, don't run into her at coffee shops and for the love of god don't use those kids to get to her."

"I wasn't…"

"Yeah you were, maybe not consciously but you were," Cece smiled sadly. "Take care, Americano."

"Cece wait," Emily called. "Why'd you do it? Why did you make me think you and Ali were together?"

"Because you need to move on, Emily," Cece stressed she turned back at the door. "You both do."

Emily slumped as the door closed behind Cece.


	9. Chapter 9

**Warnings: Foul Language, PTSD.**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own Pretty Little Liars.**

"So we've covered classes, your friends from home, your parents, you seem to be avoiding Alison, have you spoken to her lately?" Fulham queried.

"I spoke to Cece," Emily admitted. "She told me I… Ali was in bad shape after everything that happened in the dollhouse, what I did."

"Understandable everyone was stressed," Fulham answered. "Everyone responds differently to situations like that."

"So its normal," Emily shook her head. "Normal to-"

Emily gulped she couldn't even begin to articulate what she had done to Alison.

"Just tell me how to be better please. Fix me," Emily begged looking to her doctor.

"Emily you know its not about _fixing_ , theres no magic cure to your struggles I'm sorry," Fulham shared calmly.

Emily curled into herself pulling her knees to her chest and burying her head.

"I hurt her," Emily choked out.

"Pardon," Fulham leaned closer. "Could you say again?"

"I hurt her," Emily repeated clearer as she lifted her head from her knees, wrapping herself up tightly.

"Emily who did you hurt?" Fulham pressed gently. "Alison?"

Emily shook her head as the memories swirled together.

 _"_ _Just do it, I can take it!" Ali screamed from the floor._

"Emily?"

Emily closed her eyes trying to block to all out.

 _"_ _What are you waiting for!"_

"I won't.." Emily whimpered.

 _"_ _You break me every time you leave."_

"I did the right thing I walked away," Emily panted as her throat constricted.

"Emily, breathe," Fulham instructed as the first signs of a panic attack started to become more visible. "Just relax."

Every muscle in Emily's body vibrated and she shook as she dug her fingers into her arms trying to hold herself together.

"Emily can you hear me?" Fulham questioned.

"Please I'll do anything just make it stop," Emily begged shaking violently.

 _"I know you wanna kiss me."_

 _"What are you waiting for!"_

"No," Emily shot out of her chair. "I need to- I can't breath."

Emily clutched for her throat, the room was getting smaller, the voices getting louder, the recordings, every hour of every day on repeat and that damn _giggle_. Trapped in this tiny room, her bedroom, with the recordings of Alison. Recordings of Alison teasing someone else, giggling for someone else.

"Emily you're in my office," Fulham tried to explain.

"I need out!" Emily shrieked.

Fulham moved to the office door and opened it slowly, the brunette scrambled for the opening and Fulham from experience ducked out of the way.

"Fire escape," Fulham called after her as he calmly followed.

The brunette smashed through the emergency exit and into the stair well, her feet threw her down the stairs and she burst out into the sunlight on the small well kept green lawn. She dropped to her knees on the grass trying to breath deeply, the fresh air was a relief and the memories were abated for a moment.

"Breathe Emily, thats it," Fulham encouraged from her right.

She leaned forward to hold the grass under the hands, digging her fingers into the soil, something Fulham had suggested when she first started having flashbacks and panic attacks in his office. Feel the earth, be connected to the outside, she needed to ground herself in reality.

Fulham lowered himself slowly to the grass and sat cross legged as Emily worked through her own breathing. When she finally sat up he smiled softly.

"Its been a while since you've done that," he noted.

Emily nodded and sat back exhausted.

"I'm not surprised," Fulham looked to the sky. "Seeing Alison again talking to her is stirring all kinds of emotions not all of them pleasant I imagine."

Emily coughed her body still fighting her.

"You're worn down, Emily, I would recommend taking it easy," Fulham suggested.

Emily nodded and then sneezed, before she reached up to hold her pounding head.

"You may already have a cold," he grimaced. "I've called Tessa to collect you I hope thats alright?"

The brunette nodded, even though she still hadn't apologized to Tessa properly and knew this was just using Tessa unfairly again. She'd have to fix that relationship.

"Look after yourself, Emily," Fulham mused. "And its not bad to let others look after you as well."

* * *

Fulham was right, Emily had a cold from hell and spent three days convinced she was dying, she wasn't though she just missed course work and classes which Tessa tried to pick up as much make up work for her as possible but Emily could barely concentrate for an hour at a time before she would fall into an exhausted light sleep. She had never been more thankful for Tessa and was quiet certain she would have starved without her attentive flatmate.

Tessa opened the apartment door cautiously having already checked the peep hole and found nothing but blonde hair.

"Hi," Tessa called and the blonde turned around as the door opened.

"Hey," the blonde greeted.

Tessa's eyes narrowed she'd seen this woman before in Emily's old photos.

"I'm looking for Emily Fields," Alison smiled charmingly. "Are you her girlfriend?"

"No.." Tessa flushed almost as red as her hair. "She's not feeling great though so-"

"Oh I know, she wasn't at swimming and no one could get a hold of her so I thought I'd pop in with some soup," Alison chuckled a little holding up her can. "Make sure she's alright. She's terrible at looking after herself when she's sick."

"I know she's been my roommate for three years," Tessa grumbled.

Alison nodded as though only casually interested but Tessa could see her storing this information.

"And hows that working out for you?" Alison smiled.

"You aren't Emily's friend, Alison," Tessa snapped.

"So you do know who I am?" Alison smirked. "Then you'll know she wants to see me."

Tessa shifted uncomfortably.

"You like her," Alison sympathized with a pained smile. "She's pretty lovable."

Tessa blushed and ducked her head.

"She's the first girl you've liked huh?" Alison correctly concluded.

"She's the _only_ girl I've liked," Tessa growled glaring at Alison.

"Yeah Em has that affect on people," Alison admitted with a fond chuckle, Emily Fields turning all straight girls in a twenty five mile radius, some things never changed.

"I don't like you," Tessa admitted with open hostility.

"Excuse me?" Alison uttered sure she must have misheard.

"You're toxic and-"

"Yeah I'm one hundred percent done with this conversation," Alison grimaced heading into the apartment but Tessa blocked her path.

"Who says I'm done with you?" the redhead challenged.

This girl was a lot more like Paige than Alison liked, commanding, physically more intimidating than Alison and no doubt in love with Emily.

"I do," Alison declared with a long drawn out sigh. "You want to tear me down, I get it, but _honey_ you don't know who you're messing with."

Tessa stood her ground as they stared at each other.

"Ali?" Emily questioned confusedly as she sleepy stumbled from her bedroom. There was a thick haze in her mind but sure as day, Ali was standing in her apartment.

"Em," Alison smiled using Tessa's brief distraction to slip past the tall redhead. "I wanted to make sure you were ok, you weren't in class today."

"Mmm fine," Emily muttered drawing her comforter around herself. "Little sick."

"I can see that," Alison smiled taking in the adorable sight of Emily all cocooned and snuggly, she looked incredibly comfy but very worn down. "Have you eaten?"

Tessa crossed her arms, still holding the door opened.

"Well Alison I think its time for you to go," Tessa suggested forcefully.

"Really because I think Emily needs to get back in bed and maybe have some soup-"

"I can-"

"You have class," Emily sniffled, rubbing at her stuffy nose with her comforter. "Don't you?"

"I can blow them off, Em," Tessa assured her flatmate.

"No, you've already done heaps for me, Tes, I'll be fine," Emily nodded swaying on her feet slightly.

"Yeah Tes we'll be fine," Alison smirked at the redhead.

Tessa ignored Alison and grabbed her book bag before heading over to the brunette.

"Call if you need anything alright," Tessa stressed with a pointed look at Alison before she dropped a kiss to Emily's forehead.

Tessa pushed past Alison and headed out the door as it closed behind her Alison scoffed.

"Subtle," she muttered.

Emily shuffled over to the couch and lay down.

"Why are you here, Ali?" Emily questioned, fighting to keep her eyes opened.

"I told you I was worried-"

"There's more to it," Emily muttered.

Alison sighed and sat on the couch arm.

"I need to explain some things to you, you deserve answers," Alison admitted. "Cece finally told me about her little lie."

"Little," Emily scoffed. "She made me think you got her pregnant."

Alison chuckled at the absurdity.

"I can't believe you believed that by the way," Alison teased. "Why would I want a baby and with Cece of all people?"

"I don't know," Emily grumbled pulling the comforter more firmly around herself like a shield. "You always liked her."

"Not like that," Alison chuckled. "I am excited to meet my nephew or niece though."

"How far along is she?" Emily yawned.

"Five months now," Alison sighed. "It feels like just yesterday she wanted to castrate Jason."

"Wasn't exactly planned?" Emily chuckled and then coughed as her throat protested.

"Not really," Alison shrugged.

"Did you come here to talk about Cece?"

"No I came here to answer all the questions I know you have," Alison smiled gently at the sick brunette. "But maybe we should do this another time."

"No," Emily struggled to sit up. "I can.."

Alison pushed her back down.

"If you're up to it I'll make some soup and you can ask whatever you want. Sound good?" Alison suggested.

Emily nodded.

"No soup though please," Emily mumbled. "My mom only ever made soup after the.."

Alison nodded, after the dollhouse.

"No soup got it," Alison touched the comforter softly. "Have you eaten though?"

Emily nodded shifting a little.

"Sometimes you're terrible at looking after yourself, Em," Alison smiled with concern as Emily grumbled a little. "You got any burning questions to start us off?"

"Why do you have three kids who think you hung the moon following you around," Emily asked sleepily. "And why does Josh hate me?"

"They've been through a lot Emily, they're not used to new people and Josh is still feeling you out, he's a bit jealous I think."

"Mmm," Emily agreed closing her eyes. "He has a crush on you. Its adorable."

"Well he's at that age," Alison muttered, knowing full well how Josh was stuck between seeing her as his friend and his crush, he was constantly at war with his feelings and Alison hated that she couldn't really help him.

"There's more," Alison cleared her throat, she hadn't had to share this in so long. Emily's heavy eyes opened, sensing this was important.

"They're foster kids, Emily," Alison confessed.

Foster kids. Of all the connections and backstories Emily had conjured foster kids had never crossed her mind.

"Thats why you can't come out with us," Alison sighed. "Theres a lot of paperwork and police checks its a long process and a hassle but I can't just take them out with anyone there are rules."

"So you.."

"Volunteer at the half way house, yes I have for the last two years," Alison smiled a little. "I've known Rory, Izzy and Joshua for a little over that. And I've only been allowed to take them out by myself for a year."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" Emily questioned.

"They feel alienated enough. We like to put them in classes without anyone knowing their foster kids, it shouldn't define their whole existence," Alison snapped.

"No I agree, I just wish you'd told me earlier," Emily gently assured the blonde. "I just-Ali that's amazing what you're doing for these kids."

"I don't do it for good samaritan points," Alison darkly whispered ducking her head.

"No I know just…" Emily didn't really know what to say so she just carried on. "Shouldn't you only have like one to look after though?"

"Usually but I pulled some strings, they're siblings but they don't get to see each other that much," Alison sighed pained. "Josh is especially isolated, he's older and a boy so he's in a completely different part of the facility."

"You really care about them," Emily breathed amazed.

"Of course I fucking do," Alison snapped.

"Alison I didn't-"

"No I'm sorry you didn't mean anything and I get it, its a big change from who I used to be," Alison mumbled with a regretful head shake. "I just love them, they're great kids, they don't deserve any of this shit. No kid does."

"Where are their parents?"

"Prison. Tax fraud," Alison grumbled.

"Well at least they can count on you," Emily encouraged coughing a little as she shifted. "Thats a pretty amazing feeling knowing that you've got their back, believe me I know."

"Don't do that," Alison sighed exhausted. "Please just don't."

"I wasn't-"

"Yes you were," Alison hissed. "You can make all the digs you want Emily but please don't drag them into this."

"There is no _this_ to drag them into, Alison," Emily seethed.

Emily rubbed at her temples. Fighting never got them anywhere.

"I wasn't trying to start a fight I was trying to pay you a compliment," Emily sucked in a deep breath through her mouth, her nose still terribly clogged. "And I can see where it sounded like a back hand but honestly it wasn't intended that way."

"Alright," Alison agreed.

"Alright?" Emily questioned.

"Yep if you say you didn't mean anything then I believe you," Alison answered easily.

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"You really have changed," Emily stared in wonder.

Alison sadly hung her head.

"And you haven't changed enough," she muttered bitterly grabbing her purse. "Goodbye, Emily."

"No wait, Alison I-"

Alison was out the door before Emily could stop her but the brunette jumped up from the couch determined not to lose this chance. She dashed out of her apartment just as the elevator doors closed with the blonde inside.

Emily swore and raced for the stairs.

Six flights straight down and she came bursting through the fire escape spilling into the lobby just as the elevator opened and Alison smoothly stepped out.

Alison jumped when she caught sight of Emily heading towards her. Emily held up her hand begging for Alison to wait as she panted through her fatigue, her muscles burning and swallowing back salvia to try and clear her aching throat.

"You have to stop running from me," Emily wheezed.

"I don't _have_ to do anything," Alison snapped crossing her arms.

Emily sighed.

"Have lunch with me?" Emily begged. "Just one meal please."

"Why are you so insistent on this?" Alison groaned.

"Because I let you walk out of life once Alison and I refuse to do it again without trying to.."

"Trying to what?" Alison prompted.

"I don't know," Emily grasped at her head in anguish. "I just can't, ok."

"Thats not good enough," Alison crossed her arms, she wouldn't be played again.

"Because I need to know I did the right thing!" Emily yelled.

Alison's eyes widened at Emily's outburst.

"Please I just… I need to know I did the right thing walking away that you're… you're happy and better."

"Emily _we both_ knew we weren't going to work and you took a huge step giving us a proper ending but thats what it was an _ending_ ," Alison implored Emily to understand.

"Sometimes things have to end to start something better."

"Don't. Please don't," Alison begged tears gathering in her eyes.

"I still believe in happy endings, Alison," Emily shared stepping closer.

"You told me to find my Pip, _you_ let me go," Alison cried.

"Did you? Find your Pip?" Emily questioned.

Alison looked away and Emily pressed.

"Or did that just confirm you'd already found them," Emily shuddered. "It did for me. When you jumped in that pool Ali I-"

"You wanted to fuck me cause I was sopping wet and my dress was see through," Alison snapped.

Alison couldn't do this again, couldn't let herself be wrapped up in Emily Fields only to be shattered and cast aside when the brunette's appetite was sedated.

A few people in the lobby gasped at Alison's language but Emily ignored their audience.

"No I wanted to know everything that happened to you since I left. In that second thats all I wanted," Emily stressed.

Alison shook her head.

"I can't be _just_ friends with you, Emily."

"I know I can't either," Emily admitted. "But how about a compromise, a trial."

"What?"

"We can't be friends, but I can't give you my heart again, Ali," Emily pressed.

Alison looked away hurt, the very notion that Emily had ever really given Alison her heart stung.

"Not yet," Emily stressed. "I don't even know you anymore. Not really."

"I don't know you either," Alison shyly agreed, her blue eyes so hopeful Emily wanted to be swallowed in them.

"Yes so lets table all of this, what we are and how we fit and just get to know each other. Again."

Alison looked tempted. And she was tempted, so tempted but she couldn't do this to herself, to the kids who depended on her. She had to be strong, had to make Emily see reason they didn't work no matter how many nights she'd awaken from dreams of Paris and Emily's brown eyes pleading with her to stay.

"We didn't work before," Alison sighed, it already felt like a losing battle.

"We've changed," Emily smiled. "Grown up."

"Have we?" Alison tried to keep the bitter tone out of her voice, but she could feel her anger boiling, this woman was talking of growing up while whining like a school boy who didn't get his way.

"Well, you clearly have," Emily gestured to the well put together woman in front of her. "I am trying, Alison."

The key word trying, Alison knew all about trying and how hard it was when people wouldn't even give you a chance to prove yourself. She could feel her resolve crumbling.

"What if we've changed too much?" Alison sighed again.

"What if we've changed just enough?" Emily challenged, a cheeky smile slipping in.

Alison titled her head to the side an amused grin fighting to stretch across her face.

"Come on Alison what do you have to loose?" Emily pressed.

"Everything," Alison breathed.

And it was true she had everything to lose in this, her heart, her mind, how could she bounce back from rejection by Emily Fields for a third time, it just wasn't possible.

"And what do you have to gain?" Emily hedged, her beautiful smile beaming like she'd already won.

"Even more," Alison admitted, shaking her head, she couldn't believe herself sometimes. "Alright we'll try your trial period."

"Yes. So lunch?" Emily fist pumped and then almost hacked up a lung.

"Lets start with coffee," Alison tried to smile warmly but this all just left a hopeful burning in her chest and it stung so much more because Ali was sure it was futile. "We should really get you back in bed."


	10. Chapter 10

**Warnings: Foul Language, PTSD.**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own Pretty Little Liars.**

"So…" Emily fidgeted with a sugar packet on the table.

Alison rolled her eyes and looked around the almost deserted cafe they'd been here for five minutes and Ali already wanted to leave.

"You still drink expressos?" Emily motioned to Alison's drink.

Ali nodded.

"And you still like Americanos," Alison nodded to Emily's drink. "Thats where Cece's nickname comes from right?"

"Yeah. When you were… gone, Cece came by a bit," Emily muttered playing with the little flag that had the table number on it. "She's kind of a sketchy, Ali."

Alison's eyebrows narrowed dangerously.

"I trust Cece with my life," Alison answered and there was a warning mixed in her tone.

Emily held up her hands in surrender.

"She's still wanted though," Emily raised her eyebrows with a look that said harbouring a murderer, and a cop killer at that, was probably not the best idea in the world.

"Wilden was a creep," Alison dismissed, shuddering at the thought of that sleaze bag.

Emily dropped her head into her hands, she didn't like mentioning Rosewood or A or anything to do with those three years of insane antics, half of it felt like a terrible distant nightmare.

"I just don't think she's trustworthy," Emily muttered picking up her coffee slowly.

"Well its a good thing you don't get a vote," Alison argued, picking up her bag.

"Ali-"

"No," Alison hooked her bag over her shoulder. "This was not a good idea, you don't have the first clue of what I have been through, what Cece has helped me through, ok, so you don't get to judge."

Alison stood up throwing several bills on the table.

"Alison wait," Emily grabbed for the blonde's arm but Alison moved forcefully out of her grasp. Emily held up her hands to show she wasn't going to grab for the blonde again. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have grabbed you, but please I'm just trying to understand."

"All you need to understand is that Cece is my best friend," Alison hissed.

It felt like a heavy rock had settled in Emily's stomach, even though Ali's best friend hadn't been Emily's title in so long.

"Ok," Emily nodded to herself. "I understand."

Alison studied her for a long moment and Emily picked up her drink.

"Maybe we can finish this at my place," Emily suggested. "My flatmates are out, it would be less public."

Alison looked around at the few people in the cafe, all of them were staring at the pair and Emily flushed under their curious gazes as well. Alison sighed.

"Fine," she conceded.

* * *

They sat tensely in Emily's lounge room on the couch neither really knowing what to say first, their friendship had never been this stilted in part because Ali was a domineering bull dozer and Emily was a push over for a large junk of it. Even when they briefly reconciled after Ali came back from the dead it was easy and natural though the underlying sexual tension was too much for them to handle. It was during Alison's stay in jail that they lost their ability to communicate, that phone call one rainy evening where they were both too proud or too scared to say what they really wanted had started the end. After the dollhouse their friendship completely deteriorated into nothing but screaming matches and angry fucking. Emily's gut twisted painfully as she looked to the wall, the memories of shoving Alison against other walls came to the forefront unexpectedly and she grimaced, she had been incredibly cruel.

Alison sat stiffly and didn't give any indications that she wanted to talk.

"Do you… What's Rory's favourite tv show?" Emily asked hesitantly that seemed like a nice safe question.

Alison looked to Emily unamused and the brunette shrunk a little under that withering glare.

"Why don't you ask Rory," Alison suggested.

"Jesus Alison I'm trying to make conversation," Emily rubbed at her face. "What would you like to talk about?"

"I don't want to talk about anything I knew this was going to be a disaster," Alison muttered.

"Well then why did you agree?"

"Really," Alison scoffed crossing her arms. "You practically begged me and you've been pleading for months running around like a pathetic puppy when you don't get your way."

"Great to see you still think I'm pathetic," Emily snarled.

"You're twisting my words."

"Am I?" Emily scoffed. "I heard _pathetic puppy_."

"Like," Alison stressed. "Your behaviour not you, there's a difference."

"Doesn't change how it makes me feel," Emily grumbled.

"By all means, Emily," Alison cried throwing up her arms. "Tell us all how you feel, why not have a therapy session right here. Whats the big bad Alison DiLaurentis done now?"

Emily knew Alison was being facetious and her anger boiled over quickly.

"Its like I'm fifteen again and you're making me jump through all these hoops for a cookie you never intend to give me," Emily cried.

"There is no fucking cookie and I'm not _making_ you do anything," Alison stood suddenly. "Emily, can we just forget this ever happened, this was obviously a mistake."

"No please, Ali," Emily begged realizing Alison actually intended to leave. "Please I just I want us to be honest."

"Why Em? When I'm honest you just think I'm lying," Alison huffed.

"Fine then can I be honest," Emily held her breath waiting for Ali to shut her down.

Alison nodded softly but kept herself closed off.

"I loved you, Ali," Emily admitted, Alison's eyes softened a touch and a frown settled across her face. "I loved you so much, but I loved your ideal and you were never going to be able to match that. And when you didn't I… I couldn't reconcile the two Ali's the real one who was _human_ and the girl that I lost who was flawless."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say to that," Alison admitted helplessly.

"Then just listen," Emily stood slowly afraid to spook Ali. "I was unfair and _terrible_ to you but Ali, I'm not that person anymore just like you're not a mean teenager."

Alison shook her head.

"Just be honest with me," Emily begged stepping closer. "Do you feel something for me?"

"God, Em," Alison cried with a watery chuckle. "I'll _always_ feel something for you."

"I never stopped caring about you," Emily whispered with a small smile. "Let me be that person Ali, that person you trusted, that you loved."

Alison lifted a hand to Emily's cheek, she smiled softly and Emily felt like her heart was going to burst out of her chest. Alison's hand ghosted over Emily's soft skin.

"You-"

A phone rang and Emily cursed whatever deity hated her. Alison pulled away and the moment whatever it was, was broken.

"You should get that," Alison muttered.

Emily sighed and fished out her phone she looked at the caller id and wanted to decline but then Ali would wonder why and Hanna would just keep calling.

"Han I-"

"Don't even start with me, Fields," Hanna shrieked. "Theresa finally let it slip, you've been talking to Ali thats why you're such a mess, you're back in her fucking pocket!"

"Its Tessa and its not-"

"How stupid are you, Emily? This is idiotic and all the other words that only Spencer knows but-"

"Hanna I can't do this right now," Emily tried to calm the irate blonde.

"She's there, isn't she," Hanna concluded. "Oh my god put her on the _fucking_ phone!"

Alison looked to her sharply and Emily could tell Ali had heard Hanna. Alison averted her gaze but Emily shuffled closer and lightly touched the blonde's arm.

"Yes, Hanna I am with Alison right now," Emily admitted and Alison looked to Emily fearful the brunette would pass her the phone. "No you can't talk to her."

"Like fuck I can't-"

"I'll call you tomorrow."

"Em are you fucking kid-" Emily hung up as Alison gazed at her.

"You didn't have to do that," Alison muttered.

"Yes I did," Emily stated.

Alison looked away and then sat slowly. Emily followed as Alison seemed to gather her thoughts.

"Do you remember that night?" Alison looked to her hands fidgeting in her lap.

"Which one?" Emily asked with a little hesitance, there were several terrible nights between them.

"The night in my room, when you were drunk?" Alison breathed out softly.

Emily rubbed her eyes tiredly and nodded slowly, she wished she could forget that night.

"Thats probably the most worthless I have ever felt," Alison responded staring off into space.

Emily swallowed thickly unsure if she could relive this memory.

"I remember it so clearly, I ripped off all my clothes and laid on my floor ready for you to hurt me," Alison sniffled and wiped at her eyes. "Because you convinced me thats what I deserved."

And it was then that Emily realized she'd done something A couldn't, something that monster had never managed to achieve. She had broken Alison DiLaurentis.

Did that make Emily the real monster of this piece.

"But I put myself back together I got my life sorted and I figured out what I want to do with it, I made myself into someone who doesn't need you anymore," Alison uttered and Emily knew it wasn't supposed to be an insult but it still stung.

"I can't let you back in to my life if you're just going to break me all over again, Emily," Alison whispered. "I have people who depend on me now I can't… I can't be your emotional punching bag."

"Thats not it, Ali," Emily tried to take Alison's hand but the blonde shifted away and Emily didn't want to force her, instead she slowly placed her hands back in her own lap. "I would never do that to you. I didn't.. I was in a terrible place before and I will never be able to apologize enough for hurting you."

The blonde swallowed thickly and shook her head as Emily's tears started.

"Alison please, I never meant, I never wanted to hurt you, ever," Emily promised tears streaming down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry, please forgive me."

Emily spluttered trying to breath through her crying as Alison pulled Emily to her, resting her chin on Emily's head. The brunette curled into her arms, burrowing down it had been so long since they held each other, almost four years now. Emily sighed heavily as her sobbing slowly subsided in the safety of Ali's embrace, the blonde soothingly stroking her back.

"We can't keep doing this to each other," Alison whispered, Emily tried to pull away but Alison held her tighter rocking them slightly. "We just… we have to let it all go, Em, can you do that for me?"

"But I don't want to let you go," Emily whispered fearfully.

Alison sighed and squeezed Emily tighter.

"If I promised to still be here could you let go of the past, what you did, what I did, can we just make something new," Alison suggested.

Emily nodded sniffling into Alison's shirt.

"You're washing that," Ali mumbled almost affectionately.

Emily chuckled weakly.

"Can we talk about something else?" Emily asked softly.

"Please," Alison agreed.

* * *

"How do you pay for school and your apartment and still have time with the kids?" Emily asked lounging in Alison's lap.

They'd naturally gravitated to a reclined position, Emily's head in Alison's lap and her legs stretched across the couch. Alison was stretched out with her feet propped up on the coffee table.

"You didn't hear?" Alison raised an eyebrow and looked down at Emily.

"Hear what?" Emily titled her head, giggling when Alison smiled down at her.

"I sued the Rosewood PD and the District Attorneys office for wrongful conviction," Alison smirked.

"What?" Emily asked in disbelief sitting up.

"Yeah," Alison nodded still happy with herself. "I won too."

"Of course you did," Emily muttered with a fond chuckle.

She stared at Ali for a long moment.

"What?" Alison asked catching Emily's gaze.

"Just.. you're amazing Ali-"

"No I-"

"No," Emily cut in forcefully. "You've taken a whole lot of tragedy and made it into something positive. I'm really proud of you."

"That.. thank you, Emily." Alison smiled at her.

She caught sight of the clock on the wall.

"Shit," Alison muttered. "I've got to run."

"Really," Emily pouted. "You've only been here for.. oh whoa four hours."

"Yeah, you just don't shut up these days," Alison teased as she got up, slipping on her heels.

"Hey," Emily whined but she was smiling as she stood. "This was really nice, after the.. not so great-"

"It was," Alison agreed. "Thank you, Em."

"Maybe we could do it again.. sometime," Emily hedged.

Alison smiled warmly as she opened the door, Emily caught it and held it as the blonde nodded at her.

"Call me," Ali whispered.

"Yeah of course," Emily nodded frantically. "I will and we can-"

Alison stepped forward and cupping Emily's cheek, she stroked it with a thumb peering into Emily's wide stunned eyes. She smiled gently and then placed a tender kiss to Emily's other cheek.

"Have a good night, Em," Alison whispered as she pulled away.

Emily flushed and gulped trying to nod.

"You.. yes," Emily stuttered out.

Alison scrunched up her nose adorably and shook her head fondly, before she turned on her heel and headed for the elevator.

"Um I'll see you at swimming right?" Emily shouted after her.

"Maybe," Alison threw back cheekily as the elevator opened.

Emily waved as Alison stepped into the elevator and Alison waved back softly just as the doors closed. Emily leaned against the door way, this felt an awful lot like a beginning.

* * *

 **End Part One**


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